What's your best joke? [Archive] - Page 2

wamboid

04-11-2005, 09:50 AM

Finally, some more decent SPAM:

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse? The woman answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her. A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog? Get in line.

A little girl asked her mom, Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk? The mom replies, No, because she's in heat. What's that mean? asked the girl. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and asks, Daddy, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you. The dad said, Bring Belle over here. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block. The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with the leash, but no dog. Surprised, the dad asked, Where's Belle? The little girl said, She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

Mr Initial Man

04-11-2005, 10:53 AM

Some time ago, a guy was having problems with getting an erection. So, he met up with the local wizard, and said that he was having troubles getting "stiff". Well, he was fairly embarressed, and the meeting was a bit stiff, because the wizard had a stiff personality. Anyways, the wizard told him that if he put a gold piece in the mouth of a certain corpse, it would activate a healing spell. The guy thought this was rather stupid, so he put in a coin made of brass instead. Then he went to try and see if he'd have any luck.

Well, he did so poorly, that his date made him sleep on the couch. So, the next morning, he got up, all stiff and sore, and he complained to the wizard.

The wizard just snorted. "No wonder! You stiffed the stiff!"

----------------------------------------

Adapted from one of my posts in an earlier thread (http://www.webdeveloper.com/forum/showthread.php?t=52630)

An all-Shockwave Flash Internet might not be a bad thing, you know. You could whip up websites in a flash, let the web flash by you in living color, flash the internet without getting in trouble... All these opportunities are just flashing around in my head, it's really quite amazing. Someone must have had a real flash of inspiration when they came up with this notion. Let's all hope it's not just a flash in the pan.

Ultimater

04-11-2005, 05:27 PM

There were two college students taking Organic Chemistry in a university.
These two were best friends and were both recieving a perfect "A" in the coarse.
They were so confident they were going to ace the finals the next day,
that they decided to goto a party together rather than study.
They ended-up getting drunk and sleeping-in at the party.
When they woke, they had missed the finals.
They decided to make-up a story and explain to the professer why they had missed the final.
"We went to a far-away library to study and we got stuck on the road on the way back with a flat tire."
The professor considered the story and let them make-up the final the next day.
The two students were very relieved. They went home to study for the final.
The next day came and the professor placed them in two seperate rooms and handed them both a test booklet.
The first question, worth 5 points, was so easy that they flew through the question and turned the page.
Next question, worth 95 points, "Which tire?"

Mr Initial Man

04-12-2005, 12:22 AM

Heh... That's an old one. ^^ I remember a teacher trying this IRL at my high school, the joke giving her the idea. Unfortunately for her, the students who were late had ALSO heard the joke, and had the answer prepared ahead of time.

wamboid

04-18-2005, 09:10 AM

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance. The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, No money in the bank. The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you? He said, I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. The patient replied, Then send the bill to my brotherinlaw.

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it. Well, says the big alligator, what have you been eating? Politicians, same as you, replies the small alligator. Hm. Well, where do you catch'em? Down at the town hall on the edge of the swamp. Same here. How do you catch'em? Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of em, and eat em! Ah! says the big alligator, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shaking the crap out of a politician, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, I've been a little sick to my stomach. The older doctor said, Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick? As they left the younger man said, You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly? I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick. Huh, the younger doctor said, Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house. Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately. You've probably been doing too much work for the church, the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps. As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.

Ultimater

04-18-2005, 04:57 PM

Wamboid,
The 2nd one was excellent-A!
Btw, nice avatar make-over!

wamboid

04-18-2005, 08:56 PM

Thanks, the Avatar still isn't quite what I'm after, but getting closer. The jokes came from my usual SPAM source. Now I'll try to remember one of my old favorites for a change.

A man went to church for the first time in a long time. It was one of those old fashioned hootin and hollerin churches where the preacher wanted audience response. There was a little old lady sitting behind the man knitting. The man fell asleep and was about to start snoring when the preacher said, "Who created the world?" The little old lady then poked the man with her knitting needle to wake him up, so he jumped up and yelled "God Almighty!" A bit later, he fell asleep again and as the little old lady started to poke him again, the preacher said, "Who died on the cross to save our sins?" The lady poked him and he jumped up and yelled "Jesus Christ!" Now the man had had enough and decided to trick the lady by pretending to sleep. Sure enough, she started to poke him right as the preacher said "What did Eve say to Adam when he told her of his plans for children?" The man jumped up and yelled "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it off!"

Ultimater

04-18-2005, 11:12 PM

What were Jesus Christ's last words? My hands and feet are killing me!

What did Jesus Christ name his dog? Spike

This one you need to be Jewish to understand when we refer to him as "Cheese and Crackers"
Cheese and Crackers is toast!

What did G-d say when he made Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ, what have you done!?

How do you get JC off a cross? You cut his nails!

How do you fit 1-million Jews in a car? In the ash tray!

jeff_archer7

04-21-2005, 01:11 AM

With age comes Wisdom
2 bulls standing on top of a hill looking down over a field of cows..
The young bull says to the old bull 'lets run down there and f_uck a few of those cows
the old bull says to the young bull 'no son lets walk down and f_uck them all'

theuedimaster

04-21-2005, 07:47 PM

I miss smercer... :(

wamboid

04-22-2005, 07:57 AM

I miss smercer... :(
I think we all do, especially in this thread.

scragar

04-22-2005, 08:21 AM

why's he not here? Does anyone know?

and I miss him, he's one of the funiest guys I know...

wamboid

04-22-2005, 08:55 AM

He posted something about a hard drive crash a few weeks back.

smercer

04-24-2005, 03:03 AM

Thanks for worrying about me. I have all the bills and stuff come in at once (I owe some people money) so can't afford one just yet but I am still saving.

Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

smercer

04-24-2005, 03:19 AM

The Photographer

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

smercer

04-24-2005, 04:58 AM

Since the mods and admin do not complain about other sex jokes I thought they won't complain about this one.

The Voodoo Dick!

A businessman, who would take extended business trips, was tired of his wife's extracurricular activities while he was away. So he decides to get her some "toys" to keep her occupied while he's gone.

He goes to an adult store, and strikes up a conversation with the old guy behind the counter, explaining his situation to him. The old guy says, "Well, we have all kinds of toys, vibrators, stimulators, but, I don't know of anything that could keep her busy for a month at a time. However, there is....... no, never mind." The businessman says, "What is it? Come on, tell me." The old guy says, "Well, there is the Voodoo Dick."

The old man reaches under the counter, and brings out an old wooden box with strange carvings on it. When he opened the lid, there was a very ordinary-looking vibrator inside, nestled in velvet.

The businessman says, "That looks like everything else you've got in the store. What's so special about that?" "Ah," the old man says, "but watch what it can do." The old guy points to the door and says, "Voodoo Dick, the door." The Voodoo Dick rose up out of the box, flew at the door, and started to screw the keyhole. After a few minutes, a long crack opened in the middle of the door from the forceful thrusts, and the old guy said, "Voodoo Dick, the box." The Voodoo Dick stopped, and floated back to settle in the box again.

The businessman was stunned. "It's perfect!" He decided to buy it, but the old guy said, "It's not for sale." After some discussion, they settled on a price of $700.00, and the businessman drove home to get ready for his trip.

Before leaving, he gave the Voodoo Dick to his wife. "Now, I don't want any of your boyfriends over here while I'm gone, so if you get horny, all you have to do is say, Voodoo Dick, my pussy, and it'll take care of you."

Sure enough, a few days after the man left, his wife was thinking about which guy to call when she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She took off her clothes, laid on the bed, and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick floated up out of the box, and flew at her crotch. The thrusts were like she had never felt before, and within a few minutes had several orgasms, but after the 5th one, she decided she had enough.

Unfortunately, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She tried repeatedly to pull it out, as numerous orgasms left her limp as a dishrag. She finally decided she had to go to the hospital for help.

She got up, shakily put her clothes on, and got in her car. On the way to the hospital, a particularly intense orgasm ripped through her, and she swerved the car, almost hitting a telephone pole. A police cruiser noticed her car weaving all over the road, and he pulled her over.

The cop demanded to see her license, registration and insurance, and said to her, "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink tonight? I've been following you for 2 miles and you're all over the road."

The woman, lying weakly in the driver's seat says, "Oh no, Officer. I haven't had anything to drink. I have to go to the hospital because I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy that keeps making me *** and I can't get it out."

The cop just looks at her for a minute, and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass."

smercer

04-24-2005, 07:20 AM

Gennie

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"No sh!t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

smercer

04-24-2005, 07:28 AM

The Halloween Costume

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"

smercer

04-24-2005, 07:41 AM

Smart Diagnosis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

smercer

04-24-2005, 07:51 AM

FBI Work

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

smercer

04-24-2005, 09:39 AM

The Clinton Family

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month."

Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, your mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack. So, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."

Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"

She rushed to her mother's side, telling her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dates turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.

Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway."

Sanim

04-24-2005, 10:29 AM

I'm not huge on jokes, but.. meh

-------

Was it you or your brother who died in the war?

------

You blow so much you were mistaken for a hair dryer.

scragar

04-25-2005, 06:38 AM

not great, but what's it matter.

how many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?2, 1 to put it in place and one
to give it a good twist at the end.
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what does a leperisy ridden, blind deaf donkey get for it's birthday?cancer
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can a robot have brothers?no, but it can have tran-sisters

Mr Initial Man

04-25-2005, 12:22 PM

A kid was playing baseball, and a foul ball sailed into a yard and broke a window. The woman who owned the house stormed out, and screamed "WHO DID THAT!?"

The kid with the bat raised his hand. "I'm sorry ma'am, I'll pay for it."

The woman snarled. "Damn right you will! I always knew foster kids were no good, you little son of a b!tch!"

The kid looked at the woman, grinned, and said "Oh cool! You must be my real mother!"

Mr Initial Man

04-26-2005, 11:47 PM

Adapted from Coach Random.
----------------------------------------------------------
Glen: "You're not gonna drink before your calculus test are you?
Jeff: "Sure, why not?"
Glen: "Take it from me, man, calculus and booze just don't mix
Sam: "He's right, Jeff. Never drink and derive."
----------------------------------------------------------
Jeff: "Hey Sam, you been reading that literature crap over the long weekend?"
Sam: "Yeah, pretty much."
Jeff: "Sucks to be you, I was gettin' laid left right and center."
Sam: "Oh. Sorry to hear about your sore ass."

Ultimater

04-29-2005, 12:05 AM

Here's some for the Passover session which I recieved from my friend from Israel.

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Here's another one Velvy sent me:

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

smercer

04-30-2005, 08:44 AM

Promise me you wont die laughing at this picture.

scragar

04-30-2005, 08:46 AM

that jokes old, although it's nice of someone to make an image for that kinda thing...

smercer

04-30-2005, 09:06 AM

that jokes old, although it's nice of someone to make an image for that kinda thing
quit complaining. Your geting as bad as Ultimater.

Mr Initial Man

05-01-2005, 03:47 AM

I agree. I haven't squawked much, even though people have said virtually squat about MY attempts.

smercer

05-01-2005, 05:07 AM

I agree. I haven't squawked much, even though people have said virtually squat about MY attempts.
Just to please you, your jokes are alright.

Microsoft Restaurant
Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax

smercer

05-01-2005, 05:55 AM

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

To which the husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here".

buntine

05-01-2005, 06:06 AM

Probably been told, but...

*************

Q. How many programmers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A. Don't ask me, thats a hardware problem!

*************

Regards.

smercer

05-01-2005, 06:07 AM

I suppose a male joke here and there can't hurt. :)

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
(A step by step guide, with slide presentation.)

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
(Round table discussion.)

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
(Group practice.)

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
(Pictures and explanatory graphics.)

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
(Examples on video.)

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
(Helpline support and support groups.)

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
(Open forum.)

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
(Graphics and audio tape.)

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
(Real life testimonials.)

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
(Driving simulation.)

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
(Online class and role playing.)

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
(Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.)

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
(Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.)

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

smercer

05-01-2005, 07:18 AM

Idiots in Australia (true stories)

Brookvale Idiot
The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walded into Brookvale McDonaldes at 8:50am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she could'nt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they were not available until 10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away.

Adelaide Idiots
Two men tried to pull the frount off an ATM (Automatic Teller Machine) in Adelaide's Hindley Street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their 4WD. Scared and attracting attention from oncoming traffic, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
No they did not use a stolen car.

Wollongong Idiot
A man walked into a Seven-Eleven, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Rooty Hill Idiot
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he liffed the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the store owner consequently sold for use on TV.

Campbelltown Idiot
As a female shopper exited the Campbelltown K-Mart in Queen Street, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop assistant at K-Mart called the police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied; "Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Port Macquarie Idiot
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more then he bargainded for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admited to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphone the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

smercer

05-01-2005, 07:54 AM

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

smercer

05-01-2005, 07:56 AM

Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

smercer

05-01-2005, 08:02 AM

A realtor was showing a house to a prospective buyer. The realtor said the house location is great.
On the north side, there is a fish market.
On the south side, there is the city dump.
On the east side, there is a chemical plant.
On the west side, there is a waste treatment plant.

The buyer was not pleased. The buyer asked,"What is good about the location?"
The realtor said, "You always know which way the wind is blowing."

smercer

05-01-2005, 08:06 AM

A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself
home and back to work and everything would be fine.
He went to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting. He got in and
explained his situation to the cabbie, promising to send the driver money
from home. He even offered the cabbie his credit card numbers, his drivers
license number, his address, etc.-all to no avail.
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" the cabbie
yelled. So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman returned to Las Vegas and this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Then he recalled the
cabbie who wouldn't help him a year before.
Looking at the line of cabs at the hotel, he spotted the same cabbie at
the end of the line. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and smiled broadly when it
came to him.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, and asked, "How much for a
ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me on the way?" asked the businessman.
"What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum," said the cabbie.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the line of taxis and
asked the same questions, with the same result-getting kicked out of each
taxi.
When he got to cabbie who had refused to help him a year ago, he got in
and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," the cabbie replied.
The businessman said, "O.K," and off they went. And, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs at the hotel entrance, the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

smercer

05-01-2005, 08:12 AM

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

smercer

05-01-2005, 08:17 AM

Picked up by the Police , these are some of the comments made by the drivers

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

smercer

05-01-2005, 08:42 AM

a husband and wife are in the bedroom.
The wife is in a state of undress, looks in the mirror and says i'm so fat and ugly, just look at me.

husband remains silent, and the wife indignant says,
well you could at least say something nice about me.

Husband replies,

well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

smercer

05-01-2005, 08:58 AM

HALLOWEEN HORROR

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse on the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

wamboid

05-02-2005, 08:56 AM

The Bricklayer's Accident Report
The next time you're having a bad day, just think you're lucky you're not this guy! This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Neo7

05-02-2005, 12:31 PM

Hey,your jokes are too long.You don't know most of people are too impatient.

wamboid

05-02-2005, 01:34 PM

Hey,your jokes are too long.You don't know most of people are too impatient.
At least they aren't non-existant. If you can do better, post something. I'd much rather read than post.

WELCOME BACK SMERCER!!!
We missed you!

theuedimaster

05-02-2005, 02:57 PM

hooloovoo24

05-02-2005, 03:04 PM

yeah, it really was. And not too long!

Mr Initial Man

05-03-2005, 12:37 AM

I remember a while ago, I set in some jokes to a newspaper, for a joke contest. I'd sent in two sets of 5 each, so I was hoping one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Ultimater

05-03-2005, 12:49 AM

quit complaining. Your geting as bad as Ultimater.
to Smercer:

You shouldn't take to heart what I said earier about your jokes.
I think your jokes are decent and each person in the world has a different sense of humor.
I hadn't come to my senses earlier when I depreciated your sources.
I hope you didn't take anything I said earlier too seriously because I was just plain jealous of you.
All the jokes I posted were as I remembered them from actual people (except for the ones that I noted otherwise from the internet).
I only knew about 20 or so good jokes and the rest were not-so-good.
I said all my good jokes already, to the best of my knowledge.
A joke is a joke. And that includes internet sources.
I take back all of the comments I made against you, I didn't mean it.
I hope you can do the same for me :(
I got nothing against you, I'm Sorry. :o

Neo7

05-03-2005, 02:06 AM

At least they aren't non-existant. If you can do better, post something. I'd much rather read than post.

WELCOME BACK SMERCER!!!
We missed you!
Ah,you know I never like telling my jokes because I think they are too long and well... :cool: It's really funny but I'm quite lazy about speaking!(I'm not stupid or sth,I started speaking when I was under 1.can't remember exactly)anyway,I thought no 1 read these jokes but if you do,go ahead Smercer.we're looking forward to your new jokes. ;) if we could rate these jokes,that was better.

my joke:
Once a scientist explained his lecture to his wife and then asked her:"did you understand?"she answered:"I understood whole of it comp."
so he said:"how good.now I can be sure that even the most stupid person in the world can understand it"
not funny but I like jokes in this size. :rolleyes:

wamboid

05-03-2005, 08:48 AM

not funny but I like jokes in this size. :rolleyes:
I prefer funny rather than size, which I suppose is not the usual male outlook.
(How was the size on that one?)

scragar

05-03-2005, 08:53 AM

I prefer funny rather than size, which I suppose is not the usual male outlook.
(How was the size on that one?)
size was good, but it's not as funny as any of your others.

And smercer: I never meant to sound negative, I was just saying that that kind of joke(about the floppy disk drive) has been around for longer than I should be able to remember...

wamboid

05-03-2005, 12:36 PM

How about this from my SPAM again:

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3 foot 4, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman. And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 foot tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, Carl you have sinned. You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman. And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: Cindy, you have sinned.

Neo7

05-04-2005, 03:56 AM

I prefer funny rather than size, which I suppose is not the usual male outlook.
(How was the size on that one?)

Me too.anyway it has a long story ,let's forget it.
And which page can I find your joke? :confused:

and your last joke was great.I really like it :cool: :cool: :cool:

wamboid

05-04-2005, 02:15 PM

Today's SPAM had 3:

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. I was a good father," he answers. Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance. St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says No, please show me the next room. Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, I'll choose this room. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, Well, it could be worse, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. 1,228, he answered. That's right! You may enter. St. Peter turned to the lawyer. Name them.

Mr Initial Man

05-05-2005, 12:01 AM

A number of years ago, Beethoven's 9th was being performed at a local auditorium, which happened to be right across from a night club.

Now, the thing about Beethovan's 9th symphony is that the double basses have some music at the intro, then they don't play a note until near the end. Finally, the bass players got tired of just sitting there, looking (and feeling) stupid. So they hatched a plan to slip away after the intro, have a beer, and get back before their end.

Well, at the nightclub, they ran into one of the patrons of the theatre who was also of British Nobility, a Count to be exact. Anyways, the Count decided to buy more than a few rounds for them, and time went by. Eventually, they were all plastered, and two had even fallen asleep.

Suddenly, one of the musicians looked at the clock, and yelled "Whoa! We're late!" They tried to wake the two who were off in dreamland, but to no avail, and finally left them to sleep off their stupor, while the rest raced back to the concert hall.

"Man, I hope we didn't miss our entrance," said one.

"Oh, don't worry about it," said the guy who hatched the plan. "I figured this might happen, so I tied a string around the music right near the end, so when he gets there, he'll have to slow the orchestra down while he unties it. Should buy us a bit of time."

Well, they didn't miss their entrance, but the conductor was LIVID. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two out, and the Count was full.

smercer

05-06-2005, 10:10 AM

to Smercer:

You shouldn't take to heart what I said earier about your jokes.
I think your jokes are decent and each person in the world has a different sense of humor.
I hadn't come to my senses earlier when I depreciated your sources.
I hope you didn't take anything I said earlier too seriously because I was just plain jealous of you.
All the jokes I posted were as I remembered them from actual people (except for the ones that I noted otherwise from the internet).
I only knew about 20 or so good jokes and the rest were not-so-good.
I said all my good jokes already, to the best of my knowledge.
A joke is a joke. And that includes internet sources.
I take back all of the comments I made against you, I didn't mean it.
I hope you can do the same for me :(
I got nothing against you, I'm Sorry. :o

Okay your forgiven. I take what I said about you back as well.

----------------------------

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

smercer

05-06-2005, 10:17 AM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

smercer

05-06-2005, 10:22 AM

A wife suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The wife says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid", said the wife. "Well, I was hired this morning by the man of the house", the maid replied.

"Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The wife is fuming with anger. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000.00?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The wife tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the wife hears footsteps and then gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

Anxiously the wife says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there is no pool here." After a long pause the wife says, "Is this 555-4821?"

smercer

05-06-2005, 10:43 AM

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adc0ck (Toys "R" Us) - ihadc0ck@tru.com

Neo7

05-06-2005, 10:50 AM

Hey man after reading your jokes,I'm afraid of marriage.
anyway,your new jokes are both funny and short.

smercer

05-06-2005, 11:12 AM

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

smercer

05-06-2005, 11:34 AM

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job" She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that. No.1 you have to be single, and No.2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm a Catholic too ." The nun says, "Okay, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party. "

smercer

05-06-2005, 11:36 AM

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! " "Johnny!" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

smercer

05-06-2005, 11:45 AM

Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest. The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?" A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet. Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?" Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"

smercer

05-06-2005, 12:02 PM

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, " Honey, your ass is getting big. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's ass. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size! "The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How about a little lovemaking? "The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "Surely you don't think that I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you ?

Ultimater

05-06-2005, 03:08 PM

Ultimater

05-06-2005, 04:27 PM

This might really suck but at least I came up with it:

Top 5 things that a blind man wouldn't say after walking into a bar:

5. Turn on the tv.
4. Give me what that guys drinking.
3. I gotta give my car a wash.
2. Ouch! You stupid green pole!
1. Give me that playboy magazine

Ultimater

05-06-2005, 04:37 PM

Birth Control

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

smercer

05-06-2005, 10:24 PM

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up." When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?" "That was the only one," said the young salesman. "Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?" "Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man. The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?" "Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket." "A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing......."

smercer

05-06-2005, 10:30 PM

smercer

05-06-2005, 11:48 PM

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after.

smercer

05-07-2005, 10:25 PM

WELCOME BACK SMERCER!!!
We missed you!
I haven't got my new harddrive yet, I am only coping and pasting jokes from directly from the internet.

the reason I was not active before is that my video card did not support windows 98 even with an updated driver. and did not really want to over work the computer without the right driver and basicly this website looked like crap, as well as others, so I did not really want to get online as much. Now I just realised they made a new driver, and I can see what I am doing now.

New harddrive should arrive within one week. 300gb space and I can't wait.

---------------------------

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?".....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

smercer

05-07-2005, 10:38 PM

An attorney and a Catholic priest went golfing together. The priest tees off, followed by the attorney who lands his first drive right into a sandtrap. "Goddamnit I missed!" the high-strung man blurts. "You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain," the priest says. "God may strike you down with lightning." The attorney shrugs the comment off and they continue.

On the 9th hole, the lawyer pops an easy shot right into the drink. "Goddamnit I missed!" he shouts again. "You shouldn't say that," the priest warns again. "God will strike you down with lightning." Again the man pays no attention.

On the 18th hole the attorney is poised to win if he sinks his short put. But he badly misreads the green and the ball curves to the side. "Goddamnit I missed!" he exclaims again. "Now you've done it," says the priest. "God's going to strike you down with lightning."

Just then, the wind kicks up violently and dark clouds quickly begin to gather. Suddenly the sky begins to flash and a massive bolt of lightning fires down, striking the priest and killing him instantly. Then a huge voice booms out from the clouds, "Goddamnit I missed!"

smercer

05-07-2005, 11:01 PM

Are You Ready To Have Kids?

Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . perfect!

Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path/driveway.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon and then make a small hole in the side.
2. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
3. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
5. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.

Test 15
Go for a drive, but first:
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5. For the really adventurous, run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

You are now ready to have kids

smercer

05-07-2005, 11:36 PM

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you heard of a new drug named Zyban?" The lady says yes, but adds that her husband refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainly won't take anything that "will make him feel like less of a man." The doctor advises the woman to slip it into his morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor insists, "it will change your life within a day," so she figures she'd better try it.

A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremendous sigh and explains, "I stuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in 20 years." Perplexed, the doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?" And the lady shakes her head and says, "I don't think I'll be able to show my face at McDonalds again."

Neo7

05-08-2005, 02:34 AM

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!

Everybody clear on this now? --Tech support
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0.I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.I can't seem to keep wife1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.I'm thinking about going back Girlfriend 7.0, but the unistall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

A Troubled User.

Reply:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thiking that it is just a Utilities and Entetainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delet Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warning-Alimony/Child Supprt. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.I suggest instulling the back-ground application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the commond C:\ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE commond before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great!program, butit tends to be very maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However,be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.

smercer

05-10-2005, 09:41 AM

As we "celebrate" the first 25 years of Microsoft, we take a look ahead at what the future holds for the next 25 years at Microsoft...

2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.

2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it's too late, .NET strikes back.

2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.

2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.

2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.

2006 Windows 2004 released.

2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.

2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.

2009 Gates' second term as President begins.

2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.

2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.

2013 Windows 2010 released.

2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.

2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."

2020 Bill Gates purchases Linus Torvalds.

2021 Researchers develop first crash-proof operating system, then destroy it. They are just that evil.

2024 Microsoft genetic engineers realize Bill Gates' childhood dream and develop the first talking rabbit.

2025 A reunited Backstreet Boys perform at the 50th anniversary of the founding of Microsoft.

smercer

05-10-2005, 09:50 AM

It's strange, after being a user of computer software for a while, you begin to pick up on some disturbing similarities to a not so squeaky clean industry out there. Is this telling us something?

Drug Dealers
Refer to their clients as "users".

Software Developers
Refer to their clients as "users".

----------------------------------

Drug Dealers
"The first one's free!"

Software Developers
"Download a free trail version..."

----------------------------------

Drug Dealers
Strange Jargon : "Stick", "Rock",
"Dime Bag", "E"

Software Developers
Strange Jargon : "SCSI", "RTFM",
"Java", "ISDN", "Pentium"

----------------------------------

Drug Dealers
Realized that there's tons of cash
in the 14 to 25 year old market.

Software Developers
Realize that there's tons of cash
in the 14 to 25 year old market.
----------------------------------

Drug Dealers
Job is assisted by the industries
producing newer, more potent mixes.

Software Developers
Job is assisted by industry's producing
newer, faster machines.

---------------------------------

Drug Dealers
Often seen in the company of pimps
and hustlers.

Software Developers
Often seen in the company of marketing
people and venture capitalists.

---------------------------------

Drug Dealers
Their product causes unhealthy
adictions.

Software Developers
Doom, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem,
'nuff said!

---------------------------------

Drug Dealers
Do your job well, and you can sleep
with sexy movie stars who depend
on you.

Software Developers
Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

smercer

05-10-2005, 10:05 AM

Hey Neo -A nice long one for ya! ;)

Help Desk Callers
During my years working in IT support, I have become more and more interested in the many types of people who call IT help desks. Like a biologist, I have found that having a classification system is critical in understanding the users that I help on a daily basis. It is with this in mind, and with my tongue in my cheek, that I have categorized users into the following species:

1. "The Expert": Userus expertia
"The Expert" user is the curse of most IT support establishments. Experts try out something they heard about from "the bloke in the pub," an unqualified expert on everything who offers advice to anyone who will listen. Experts usually make a complete mess of their systems when they follow the bloke's advice. Then they compound the problem by trying to fix it themselves, often destroying their machines. As a last resort, they call the help desk and demand that their machines be replaced or mended immediately, as they have urgent work that can't wait. There has been an Expert at every place I have worked. I leave it to you to decide who your resident Expert is.

2. "The Fiddler": Userus manipulata
The motto of "The Fiddler" is: "I wonder what happens if...." I've placed these callers next because they are the most closely related to the Expert. These callers don't realize that some files actually make their computers work. If they don't recognize a file as one of their own, they delete it and are surprised when something then stops working. Unlike the Expert, they don't say anything about the problem; you only discover it months later from a casual remark, such as, "Oh no, that hasn't worked for ages. I meant to call you." Fiddlers are usually very pleasant people—who will drive you mad.

3. "The Mouse": Userus rodentia
"The Mouse" is more common than the previous two and fortunately less harmful. For this species of caller, the big gray box is a source of blind terror. I can remember talking on the phone to a Mouse at a UK communications company. She had worked in a telephone exchange for years and was suddenly given a PC to help her. She had not asked for it and didn't want it. The screen was making strange noises, and she was concerned.
"I don't want it to explode or anything," she wailed.
"No," I said patronizingly, "they don't explode. There's no explosive in them." Then I heard a loud "BANG!" through the phone. "What was that?" I asked. "My screen has just exploded," she replied.

4. "The Train Spotter": Userus geekissimus
"The Train Spotter" is most often the offspring of an Expert and a Fiddler. These callers are usually harmless and don't have many computer problems. What they do have is an IT magazine, which they have read from cover to cover. The Train Spotter will invariably corner an unsuspecting help desk tech and proceed to bore the tech rigid by sharing their knowledge. The main difference between Train Spotters and other callers is that Train Spotters do not usually phone the help desk; they visit in person.

I'm not quite sure what they want from the help desk, but they take up a lot of time asking various questions about new innovations, about which I usually know nothing. I have found no explanation for the existence of this user other than that the Expert and Fiddler conceived the Train Spotter on a trip to a computer trade fair.

5. "The Paranoid User": Userus newbigata
"Paranoid Users" are convinced that the computer has an intelligence of its own and is out to get them. The machine is constantly doing something that causes a problem. The computer will maliciously alter their documents, obliterate all references to their passwords, and lose work they have saved. If a machine is ever going to break down, it will be while being used by a Paranoid. This species' one saving grace is determination. They never give up, as much as you wish they would.

6. "The I'm-building-a-case User": Userus fabricatum
"The I'm-building-a-case User" is grinding an axe to get some new gadget brought in to his department or have an old one taken away. They report hundreds of trivial problems, hoping upper management will buy them the latest all-singing and all-dancing machine. The real problem with this species of caller is the fact that they are usually not trying to replace computer equipment. This user doesn't see the difference between computers and any other piece of office equipment. I have often been required to pass opinions on all kinds of electrical equipment even after pointing out my lack of knowledge on the subject. I do not evaluate coffee makers. I do not drink coffee, and I know nothing about the black arts involved in its production.

7. "The Just-testing User": Userus gustulata
"The Just-testing User" is not even using a computer but wants to test your knowledge and, if possible, trip you up. The best technique for dealing with this species is by answering questions with "I don't know." They cannot deal with this straight capitulation. Most Just-testing users would love the chance to show your boss how useless you are or how little you know. They are thrilled when you give a wrong answer and will crow about it incessantly.

8. "Pig Pen": Userus perfumia
Based on the Charles M. Schulz Peanuts character, "Pig Pen" has the messiest, most unhygienic work area in the company. Pig Pen's personal hygiene is fine; it is only the workspace that is a hazard. It is a graveyard for old coffee cups, half-eaten green sandwiches, used Kleenex, and moldy sock collections. Pig Pens are some of the nicest and most technically able people you know. They usually give the help desk very little trouble except when their keyboard needs replacing, which is often. Pig Pen is a mainstay of most companies, the backbone of whatever department he or she works for. If that were not the case, the company would have let them go years ago.

9. "The I-don't-want-to-hear-that! User": Userus headinsandia
This is a rather curious species. They call, ask a question, and if they don't hear what they want, they take it personally. I always wonder why they ask, if they don't want to know the answer. It does not seem to matter that what they want is not possible. All they want is to hear the answer they're looking for.

10. "The End-of-my-tether User": Userus adlimitus
This is the angriest but, perversely, often the easiest to deal with. After spending weeks attempting to resolve their own queries, they finally swallow their pride and call the help desk. Calls from this type of user usually end in one of three ways:
1. The problem's solution can be found simply by reading page 1 of his instruction manual, which, of course, the caller has not done.
2. The caller is informed that the operation she is trying to perform cannot be performed with the equipment or software that she has.
3. The caller has already found a solution but phoned the help desk to let you know how frustrated, mad, or unsatisfied he is.

smercer

05-10-2005, 10:24 AM

This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

smercer

05-10-2005, 10:42 AM

Federal Employees
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

smercer

05-10-2005, 10:54 AM

Retirement Notice

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Person Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme ( Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel and Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not bee SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management as always pride itself for the amount of SH!T it gives to its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

---------------------

Heres another simalar joke:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

smercer

05-10-2005, 10:58 AM

Peeing With God's Help

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said," George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

smercer

05-10-2005, 11:04 AM

Traditional Roulette

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

smercer

05-12-2005, 09:10 AM

A couple of days with no one posting any jokes? Has everyone ran out of humor? Or are you still busy reading my last batch of jokes?

----------------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

smercer

05-12-2005, 09:52 AM

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

smercer

05-12-2005, 10:05 AM

Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form

Thank you for purchasing the Defender F-12 military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Personal Information

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss
[_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name:..............................................

Initial: ........

Last Name:...............................................

Password: ............................... (max 8 char)

Code Name:...............................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude-Attitude:....... ........ ......... ........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......

4. Serial Number:...............................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalog showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the Defender F-12 product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Defender F-12 product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] Defender F-12 reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Back room politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Central / South America

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your Defender F-12 product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal check

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation...

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defence Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Default on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Defender F-12 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:

DEFENDER F-12 CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

smercer

05-12-2005, 10:14 AM

The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

smercer

05-12-2005, 11:11 AM

Airbag Contest a Success! (don't read this if you don't like reading about blood and gore)

DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

Ultimater

05-12-2005, 01:08 PM

I subscribed to a daily joke mailing list yesterday and received this one this morning:

Nick the Dragon Slayer
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this
would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon
Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the
scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to
the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed
the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva
of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The
Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King,
shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer...

wamboid

05-13-2005, 03:59 PM

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs away. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk? The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. You are truly a wise rabbi, they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk? The rabbi answered sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

wamboid

05-19-2005, 09:12 AM

Finally, more decent SPAM. Lately the source of these has just been putting in random words instead of anything worth reading.

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life!" She sat down again. From no where, a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scale and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so then pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's Voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service? Morning or afternoon?"

Mr Initial Man

05-20-2005, 12:59 AM

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
When the deaf policeman heard the noise,
Up he came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man - he saw it too!

Ultimater

05-22-2005, 04:17 PM

From an email:

ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDES ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!!"

theuedimaster

05-22-2005, 07:26 PM

Yes.... the ultimate in blond stupidity. Its enough to make you pity the stereotype. :)

smercer

06-09-2005, 07:43 AM

Hi all
Just cant let this thread die, I just made up my own joke, what do you think?

Q Why do you never see big tits on a ballarena

A because they would go out of balance

...................

PS Ultimater: I like that Nick the dragon slayer joke :)

smercer

06-09-2005, 07:59 AM

IRS Genie

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

maffmommie

06-17-2005, 07:08 PM

A new young priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get anxious, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Next time, sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandment, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the **** out of him.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, do not say he was stoned off his ass.

9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

10. The recommended way to say grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.

11. And lastly, the Virgin Mary should never, under any circumstances be called "Mary with the Cherry"!

Ultimater

06-19-2005, 04:41 AM

PS Ultimater: I like that Nick the dragon slayer joke :)
You made my day :)

Here's another from the same source as that joke:

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things
when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing
of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout
line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died
recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother'? It would make
me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
"Goodbye Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was
$127.50. "How
can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk answered, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Ultimater

06-26-2005, 02:24 AM

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
would you say to her?"

Mike replies: Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss.

The teacher says: That would be very rude and improper on your part.

Freddie replied: I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be Back in a
minute.

The teacher says: That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant.

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out.

Sup3rkirby

07-17-2005, 11:14 PM

Hey, this thread is HILARIOUS!!!!! I hope no one minds if I tell these jokes to my friends.

Just want to know, has anyone posted the joke about the bus full of ugly women? If not I'll tell it. I didn't feel like reading 24 pages to find out if it has been posted(coulda did some fancy search, but naw, I'll just ask).

Sup3rkirby

07-18-2005, 08:50 AM

Ok, well, I guess it's not up here already. If it is, then sorry for posting it up. Oh and it's not actually all ugly women. I'll tell it now

There is a bus full of ugly people driving down the road. The bus crashes and everyone dies(not over yet). Then everyone is all at the Gates of Heaven. God tells them that it wasn't their time and appologizes for the inconvenience. Then he grants them one wish before they go back. The first person in line says "I wish I was beautiful." and then it is so. Then the second person in line wishes for the same thing and it is done. Then a little chuckle can be heard in the back of the line. Then the third person in line wishes to be beautiful as well. The line eventually gets to the end with each person wishing to be beautiful. When the last guy gets up to God, he is laughing in tears. Then he says "Make them all ugly again."

JPnyc

07-18-2005, 09:18 AM

I like this one:

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

rch10007

07-18-2005, 09:54 PM

Jesus is Watching....

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

Ultimater

07-25-2005, 02:02 AM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

theuedimaster

07-25-2005, 08:09 PM

theuedimaster

07-25-2005, 08:15 PM

IRS Genie
The man finds

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Damn. Thats harsh. *Tear*

Mausau2000

07-26-2005, 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by smercer
IRS Genie
The man finds

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

ha ha ha very good

Neo7

07-28-2005, 02:19 AM

I don't know if you've heard it before, but I'm going to tell you anyway! :cool:

Hearing so many people speaking about his intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician diagmosis was as follows:
-Mr. president, you have 2 brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is that in your left brain there is nothing right and in your brain there is nothing left.

maffmommie

08-03-2005, 02:52 PM

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

wamboid

08-03-2005, 04:53 PM

Careful, Bob's a moderator now!

gchick

08-03-2005, 05:16 PM

i like the blonde jokes but they're pretty rude...

MstrBob

08-03-2005, 11:11 PM

Careful, Bob's a moderator now!

Yep, anything remotely insulting, involving, mentioning, or alluding to Bob in a non-positive light are now grounds for a permanent ban! Because, uh, I have authority to do that! :p Do you really want to test me, huh? :cool:

I don't know any good jokes off-hand, hmm... Everything I think of comes from Movies, many of which are long, on-running jokes. Alas!

tinkerbell

08-04-2005, 01:24 AM

I am mostly into some green jokes.. will it be okay if I post some later?

Sup3rkirby

08-04-2005, 02:07 PM

I am mostly into some green jokes.. will it be okay if I post some later?
I don't think you need to ask to post jokes.... as long as you don't break any forum rules...

Is it just me or does tinkerbell only have, well not "only have" but actually not have any post?

gchick

08-04-2005, 05:33 PM

this aint one of my best but this sure will crack some of ya here....

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

tinkerbell

08-05-2005, 12:45 AM

hehhee.. pretty nice girl.. thanks for sharing

Ultimater

08-05-2005, 01:05 AM

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded
to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last
night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came
back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,

"From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you.'"

gchick

08-05-2005, 05:34 PM

PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Ultimater

08-17-2005, 08:13 AM

I think I'm catching up with smercer.
Passing Notes

At the rape trial, the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to **** you like you've never been ****ed before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will Juror Number 12, please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror replied. "It's personal."

Ultimater

08-23-2005, 12:41 PM

How to avoid a parking ticket by me of coarse (unless it has been done before).

To get way with parking in the red, create a fake parking ticket, you will need to make a perfect color photo copy of a real ticket and update the date, and put it on your own windshield so it looks like you already got a ticket for parking in the red. Since updating the date can be a real pain, you don't really even need to update it because no-one ever checks it and just assumes it's from today since you are currently parked in the red -- the parking guy would just see a ticket on your windshield and keep on driving.

wamboid

08-23-2005, 02:57 PM

:) Passing Notes = funny joke
:( How to avoid a parking ticket = not funny, not even a joke, and most importantly - illegal

theuedimaster

08-23-2005, 11:04 PM

First one's funny, second one's clever, yet, still, illegal.

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

09-08-2005, 02:44 PM

c'mon guys, don't let it die!

theuedimaster

09-08-2005, 07:42 PM

On the first day of school, a teacher decided to do some ice breakers to get everyone settled in. She stood up, looked at the class, and told them that if they feel like they're dumb, they should stand up.

Everyone looked at each other and stayed silent. Finally, after a awkward half-minute, a kid in the back stood up. The teacher asked him why he felt dumb.

He responded, "I felt sorry for you, I didn't want you to be the only one standing up"

Ultimater

09-08-2005, 09:01 PM

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into
the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because
the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to
the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top
was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour
per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

Ultimater

09-08-2005, 09:04 PM

I was reframing from post a couple of these cas' they aren't so clean, but here goes:

Immense Pleasure

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in
unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can provide
an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as
enjoyable as making love."

A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.

"Professor," he says, "Either you don't know how to f*ck, or I don't know
how to sh*t!"

Ultimater

09-08-2005, 09:07 PM

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it -- we're closed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to
me!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~

and the grand finale:

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Cstick

09-08-2005, 09:51 PM

Ok, here is my best...

[Me]
Knock Knock..

[You}
Who's there?

[Me]
Impatient Chicken...

[You]
Impatient Chi... [Me, very loudly and obnoxiously] BOCK!! BOCK!!

LOL, ohhh man, so funny, it hurts..... Why isn't anyone else laughing?? :)

MstrBob

09-09-2005, 12:58 AM

Hey guys, lets just make sure we don't...

use these forums to violate any laws nor to discuss illegal activities.

Nor...

post with language or content that is obscene, sexually oriented, or sexually suggestive nor link to sites that contain such content.

Alright guys? This thread amuses me, let's keep it open and PG.

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

09-09-2005, 03:49 AM

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
that one is huge!

Ultimater

09-09-2005, 04:37 PM

let's keep it open and PG
Sorry, I just didn't what the thread to die and I used a couple of border-line jokes... I'll try to keep 'em cleaner. Man, clean jokes are hard to come by...

gchick

09-10-2005, 04:56 PM

A Texan and a Irishman
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

09-10-2005, 06:16 PM

hahaha! good one!

theuedimaster

09-10-2005, 09:30 PM

Nice!

Ultimater

09-12-2005, 01:22 PM

Pretty good one there, gchick. If I'm not mistaken, I recall telling a similar joke to that in this thread, somewhere, but that one would definitely be the better version -- thanks for sharing it with us.

Ultimater

09-14-2005, 02:03 AM

Two men were talking one day.

"My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden."
said the first man.

"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.

"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous
chemicals?"

"The gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself."

Ultimater

09-28-2005, 04:42 AM

A guy is sitting next to a blonde in a diner. She is reading the newspaper and sobbing.
The headline reads "Twelve Brazilian soldiers killed in an avalanche."
The blonde turns to him and asks, "How many is a brazillian?"

Ultimater

10-06-2005, 07:35 AM

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on
the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't
have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or
twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with
just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers"
that they keep by the cash register and placed it between
our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how
much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit
card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very
quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience
store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just
this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked
the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was
none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last
remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier
and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went
in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have problems withtheir
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency
room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her
to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the
mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

10-06-2005, 07:59 AM

hahaha!

theuedimaster

10-06-2005, 08:42 PM

Wow, I love the ant one, plus the mcdonalds and walmart ones.

Ultimater

10-06-2005, 08:52 PM

Thanks for the feedback :) FYI, The walmart one is my fav out of there.

Waylander

10-06-2005, 11:19 PM

How many Programmers does it take to change a light bulb??

Couldnt tell ya, thats a hardware technicians job.

e-realmz

10-07-2005, 01:16 AM

Ok I got one! I got one!....

A policeman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously intoxicated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys in at least 5 cars he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on and off, his wipers on and off, and putting it in gear, he pulled forward onto the grass; then he stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car remaining in the parking lot, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The policeman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The policeman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken," exclaimed the policeman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

hooloovoo24

10-07-2005, 01:24 AM

That's a good one. Thought that was on here already, but maybe I was mistaken. In any case, it's still really funny. And I LOVE Ultimater's Walmart joke.

Neo7

10-08-2005, 12:52 PM

<Too lazy to see whether it's repeated or not.>

once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to ecome a great writer, :I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared "stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream , cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash, writing error messages for Microsoft.

Sup3rkirby

10-08-2005, 02:07 PM

It's not that funny, but it's a joke:

Two guys walk into a bar. Then one guy says to the other, "is this some kind of joke?"

theuedimaster

10-08-2005, 09:09 PM

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."[/b]

Awesome!

Ultimater

10-09-2005, 02:22 PM

This one may be a bit juvenile but it made me laugh and that's what counts -- as long as it ain't too dirty:

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," giggled the youngest daughter.

herodote92

10-09-2005, 03:45 PM

Why don't they sell catfood tasting like mouse ?!

Mr Initial Man

10-09-2005, 03:55 PM

They'd run out of chairs for shoppers to jump on.
Shopper: "EEEEK! MOUSE!"
Employees: "Not again, this is the 5th in the past hour!"

wamboid

10-10-2005, 09:00 AM

Computer history of the world
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. And God said Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. And God said Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. And God said I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows. And God said It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

Ultimater

10-10-2005, 10:10 AM

LMFAO! Good one wamboid. It's a shame that that story doesn't go to the time of Internet Explorer -- but that is for a story for next week.

wamboid

10-10-2005, 10:45 AM

That came from some SPAM that I get regularly, but lately there have been numerous repeats so I hadn't posted in quite awhile. I also get something from Computerworld Magazine (not SPAM) every day called "the Shark Tank" - supposedly true stories sent in by readers. Here is one from today:

Update Time

PC support pilot fish is filling in for a netadmin at a remote site and wants to confirm the backup procedures. "After talking to a half-dozen people, I obtain the key to the administrator's office, the combination to the fireproof safe and the key to the lockbox inside the safe," says fish. "There I find the backup plan. I brush the dust off a faded folder titled 'IBM Mainframe and Punchcard Storage Procedure.' "

I'll post a link later if anyone is interested. I'd do it now, but I accidentally deleted it and will have to wait for tomorrows email.

wamboid

10-12-2005, 09:50 AM

Here's the link I promised. (http://www.computerworld.com/departments/opinions/sharktank/)
The archive has quite a bit of good stuff.

dougadam

10-14-2005, 06:33 PM

Lol

:)

Ultimater

10-15-2005, 10:51 PM

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free
to good home, You want it - you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Ultimater

10-22-2005, 10:56 PM

A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.
Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

ladywebmaster

10-23-2005, 07:45 AM

A bald man with a peg leg was invited to a Halloween party, and being concerned about what to wear he wrote the Acme Costume Co.

A week later he received a package in the mail; with it was a letter which read, "Dear Sir, we have sent you the perfect costume which we think will work for your needs. It is a pirate's costume, and the bandana will cover your bald head, and by your having a peg leg it is a perfect costume for you."

Being upset by the fact that the company was drawing attention to his wooden leg, the man sent the costume back with a letter explaining his disapproval.

The next week, a second package arrived containing another costume and a letter in reply. "Dear Sir, we have sent you a great costume to remedy your situation. The enclosed Monk's cloak will cover your peg leg, and being bald, it is the perfect costume for you."

Even more upset this time, the man sent this costume back with the reply, "I feel you are moving the emphisis from my peg leg to my bald head, and am upset that you would draw attention to it in such a way."

At last the company mailed it's third solution to the man's needs. With it was this reply, "Dear Sir, enclosed please find a bag of crushed nuts, and a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head, roll your head around in the crushed nuts, stick your peg leg up your butt, and go as a carmel apple. "

Ultimater

11-01-2005, 01:29 AM

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is
the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

11-01-2005, 02:33 AM

Has that smercer guy vanished?

Ultimater

11-01-2005, 03:30 PM

I believe his harddrive crashed and he has no means to get back online.
http://webdeveloper.com/forum/showthread.php?p=364604#post364604

wamboid

11-01-2005, 03:47 PM

Mine crashed Monday around noon - back up by midnight, including windows updates.

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

11-01-2005, 04:02 PM

I believe his harddrive crashed and he has no means to get back online.
http://webdeveloper.com/forum/showthread.php?p=364604#post364604
that was a few months ago!

Ultimater

11-01-2005, 05:43 PM

Yeah, but the past tends to repeat itself and one might assume that that is still the case -- futher computer technical issues probably.

theuedimaster

11-01-2005, 07:23 PM

Still.... if my comp broke I would still find a way to get on webdeveloper.com

Stephen Philbin

11-01-2005, 08:23 PM

What kind of food generates electricity when you spin it?

A pie-namo! :D

Flunky Monkey

11-01-2005, 08:57 PM

haha that is so funny.

jeff_archer7

11-10-2005, 12:01 AM

Did you hear about the guy with two wooden legs?
His house caught fire one night, the fire brigade was able to save it,
but sadly He burnt to the ground

theuedimaster

11-10-2005, 12:03 AM

cruel. ;)

Ultimater

11-10-2005, 02:10 PM

lol, that's pretty funny but I feel bad for the poor dude. Funny yet cruel.

herodote92

11-11-2005, 06:27 PM

A good old Soviet-time joke...

Brezhnev liked to walk incognito and disguised in Moscow, just to spy what ordinary people would think and say. So one day he was at a car exhibit, and there stood both a superb Jaguar and a humble Zhiguli (local car brand). A guy was looking at them. Brezhnev patted him on his shoulder and asked jovially:
- Well comrade, which one do you prefer ?
- The Zhiguli, was the answer.
Brezhnev looked at him scornfully and said:
- Easy to tell that you don't know anything about cars.
- I know much about cars, comrade. It's about you I know nothing.

PeOfEo

11-11-2005, 06:29 PM

lol

Ultimater

11-11-2005, 06:45 PM

lol, sounds like the author of the prince and the pauper was a first-hand person in the story. Good one hero.

mhee

11-11-2005, 07:09 PM

lol good one

Ultimater

11-17-2005, 11:12 AM

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum
Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and
henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist,
Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"

"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that
the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say.....

"Yes Sir; which one? P. Nuss or A. Nuss?"

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

11-17-2005, 12:03 PM

HAahaha! that's a good one!

wamboid

11-18-2005, 03:47 PM

If companies run Christmas

If Apple ran Christmas: It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If IBM ran Christmas: They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas: Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas: Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

If Fisher Price ran Christmas: "Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas: Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas: The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas: Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas: We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas: They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

Ultimater

11-29-2005, 11:07 AM

While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how much later sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said it was because that's where the sun sets.
(If you didn't get it in within the first 2 or 3 reads, just skip this one because it loses humor and isn't that funny to begin with)

Ultimater

11-29-2005, 11:11 AM

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The L-rd doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

poiuy

11-29-2005, 01:00 PM

She said it was because that's where the sun sets.
(If you didn't get it in within the first 2 or 3 reads, just skip this one because it loses humor and isn't that funny to begin with)

Ultimater - Was this a true story? I actually had something similar happen in high school. True Story. The funny part was it was a senior "star" Football player who was pulling "A's" and "B's" in all his classes (yeah right). In the middle of science class he made the comment that the sun sets in the ocean. The entire class erupted into laughter. Realizing he said something dumb he then said, "What does it go behind the mountains?" :eek: The teacher then joined in the laughter and the immediately stopped when she realize he was serious.

She asked him to stay after class to explain. Oh and he did pass the science class :confused:

The funny (maybe not so funny) part was he made it into college on a full scholarship playing for the Florida Gators because of his "grades" (and football skills). He even made it into NFL for a few years. No living being to this day can convince me grade fixing doesn't exist in High Schools or Colleges in the U.S. after going to school with that guy. Initially it was very funny though.

wamboid

11-29-2005, 04:02 PM

Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

14. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

13. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

12. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

11. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

10. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

9. Actually I'm doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

7. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

6. The coffee machine is broken.

5. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

3. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

2. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

1. AMEN!

Ultimater

11-29-2005, 04:21 PM

Ultimater - Was this a true story? I actually had something similar happen in high school.
Most-probably, I received it in my usual emal subscription.

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

11-29-2005, 06:13 PM

Your mom is so fat that her muscle to fat ratio can only be explained in irrational complex numbers.

Ultimater

11-29-2005, 06:42 PM

5. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
ROTFL! I'll remember that one!

theuedimaster

11-29-2005, 06:56 PM

The Amen one was great ;).

euk-damien

12-01-2005, 08:53 AM

I found one link & like to share with all of you.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

2fast4ya

12-06-2005, 04:13 PM

"You wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white horses fall in the mud."

thats the best i got. :cool:

NewZealand

12-07-2005, 03:24 PM

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs,
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a
woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer
and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often
succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awake with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term
form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently,
men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered
and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning
to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses"! in the yellow pages.

Mr Initial Man

12-07-2005, 08:26 PM

theuedimaster

12-07-2005, 08:52 PM

That was perfect.

Ultimater

12-07-2005, 08:54 PM

I did a google search and I'm not sure which link to use. :D

Sheldon

12-08-2005, 10:03 PM

New Zealand, thats a great joke, and posted by a women too! I like your style ;)

Sheldon

12-09-2005, 08:09 AM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

12-09-2005, 08:13 AM

New Zealand, thats a great joke, and posted by a women too! I like your style ;)
a woman

NogDog

12-09-2005, 08:32 AM

George Dubbya Bush had a meeting with his security advisors. One of them presented a report on a terrorist attack that very unfortunately killed two Brazillian citizens.

Dubbya leaped from his chair, yelling, "Two Brazillian citizens - that's horrible! What are we going to do?"

An aide said, "Calm down sir, it's just two Brazillians. It's not worth getting that upset about."

"What do you mean? " shouted Dubbya. "I went to Yale, and I know that a Brazillian is even more than a million!"

PS: My apologies to any Brazillians on the forum.

LiLcRaZyFuZzY

12-09-2005, 08:54 AM

hahahahahah!

wamboid

12-19-2005, 10:48 AM

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

wamboid

02-22-2006, 09:35 AM

Not that good, but couldn't let the thread totally die.
Please come back smercer!
Ultimater, why haven't you been here lately?

Real Headlines:
Stud tires out
Eye drops off shelf
Iraqi head seeks arms
War dims hope for peace
Teacher strikes idle kids
Farmer Bill dies in House
Squad helps dog bite victim
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Stolen painting found by tree
Lung cancer in women mushrooms
Miners refuse to work after death
Two soviet ships collide, one dies
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Enfields couple slain; Police suspect homicide
Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

maffmommie

03-11-2006, 01:38 AM

"Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

maffmommie

03-11-2006, 01:40 AM

Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing.

But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

maffmommie

03-11-2006, 01:45 AM

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But where's his wheelchair?"

The Little Guy

03-26-2006, 10:00 PM

You may have heard it, you might not have, but I think it is funny.

A blonde was driving down the road, and and hits a truck, the guy in the truck tells her to pull over, so she does. They both get out of their cars and and the man was furious, so he told made a circle and told her to stay in the circle and not to get out of it. The man goes up to the blondes car and starts to slash her tires, and the blonde starts laughing, this made him more furious, and then starts to key her car, and the blonde starts to laugh again, and now the man is super mad, and starts to break her windows, and the man turns back to her and says "what is so funny?" She said "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."

Phalon

04-07-2006, 12:23 PM

Priceless: something that has lost it's price tag.

Ultimater

04-07-2006, 12:55 PM

Lol.

Here's one:

George W. Bush said he was sick of people accusing him
of lying us into war... Today he met with a gentleman
from the CIA to administer a lie detector test to settle
the matter once and for all. The agent explained the test
to Bush. He told him that he would ask a series of questions.
He told Bush that when he told the truth the light would turn
green, and if he told a lie, then the light would turn red. After
explaining that to him, the agent asked Bush if he understood,
and Bush said, "Yes." The light turned red.

JayM

04-07-2006, 01:51 PM

LOL. That joke is hilarious Ultimater.

Im a big fan of the Chuck Norris Facts. You can read them in my sig.

wh666-666

04-07-2006, 08:50 PM

lol this post provides hours of entertainment huh? anyway thought id post a couple jokes .. not too offensive but il try to be funny and then maybe people will stop laughing about my face. seriously i hope you get a few chuckles and ones that havnt been heard yet>>

Q: What do you call a mexican carpet fitter?
A: Underlay, underlay!

A policeman is driving down the road following the traffic. Suddenly the car in front swerves violently then straightens out then swerves again. After a couple of minutes of this repeatedly the policeman pulls the car over and approaches the blonde girl. "oh thank god your here officer, as im driving along a tree looms straight in front of me and i swerve to avoid crashing in to it and another one appears again straight away". The policeman rolls his eyes "maam i think thats your air freshner"

Q: Why did the essex girl fail her driving test?
A: because when the examiner asked her to get in the vehicle she splayed herself on the back seat.

A lost woman walks in to a welsh police station seeking directions "could you tell me where i might find PC world please?" the officer looks at her and says "nae no-one of that name works here"
(i think even if she did get to pc world thats where the real joke would have been)

a school teacher is with a class of young children ... she asks sophie to tell the class a story with a moral in it. "once when we were driving eggs to market we hit a big bump and all the eggs broke, the moral is dont put all your eggs in one basket" .. "well done" says the teacher "why dont you tell us one joe. Joe stands and says "we once had ten chicken eggs but only six hatched, the moral, dont count your chickens untill they hatch" ... "brilliant ... and now wendy?" says the teacher. Wendy stands up and says "when my aunt karen was in the gulf war she bailed out over enemy territory with a whiskey bottle in one hand and a machine gun in the other. she drank all the bottle on the way down so it wouldnt break and landed in the middle of a field with hundreds of enemy soilders .. when she ran out of bullets she killed the rest with her bare hands" .. shocked the teacher says "what is the moral of that terrible story wendy?!" .. to which wendy replies "stay away from aunt karen when she's been drinking"

Ultimater

04-09-2006, 01:34 PM

I forgot all about the blonde air freshener one, lol.

Here's today's spam:

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for
which an operation was absolutely imperative. The patient turned pale
and asked, "Isn't it very dangerous?" "Yes," the doctor replied.
"Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you
have nothing to worry about." "Why not?" eagerly inquired the
patient. "Well, you're sure to recover because my last five patients
died," the doctor reassured him.

bludlphn21

04-17-2006, 03:58 AM

I dont have a funny joke, but, I have a riddle that pretty good.
Worlds Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

I have yet to figure it out :confused:

jeff_archer7

04-17-2006, 10:59 PM

Polar bears are white because the pressure at the poles is low, so they have to be able to absorb heat.

Pressure makes you cry if it's too much.

Pressure in your bladder makes you have to pee.

Peer pressure makes girls comb their hair...!

Celebrities usually crack under pressure.

Many normal people will shine under pressure.

Pancakes turn brown thanks to pressure generated by the heat.

Champagne will bubble until the pressure of the carbonation has disappeared.

If you squeeze something under pressure, BAM, there it goes.

If you are "looking" at pressure, you're in it, like in an airplane, and your ears pop.

Ultimater

04-21-2006, 03:02 PM

Irish Golfer And The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the
16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little
guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him
unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He
gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and
asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf
game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I
ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in
my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might
I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well,
maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's
not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Ultimater

04-21-2006, 03:04 PM

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only woman
seated at the bar, walked over to her and
kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He
immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You
look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched,
no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound
exactly like her."

Ultimater

04-21-2006, 03:05 PM

Late for Date

After waiting more than an hour and a half
for her date, the young lady decided she
had been stood up. She changed from
her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself
to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front
of the TV than her doorbell rang. There
stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm
two hours late . . . and you're still not ready?"

The Little Guy

04-21-2006, 04:06 PM

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

Ultimater

04-21-2006, 04:11 PM

LMFAO! Good one!

sleven

04-22-2006, 09:24 PM

I lose my wife , because she think I am rich enough. She think she is always correct.

Ultimater

04-24-2006, 05:09 AM

The officer spots a speeder and pulls him over. He walks-up to the car, writes-up a ticket, and hands it to the driver. "Here you go." Receiving a ticket for the first time the man replies ignorantly, "What do you want me to do with your ticket?"
"When you collect twelve, you’ll get a bicycle!"

The Little Guy

04-24-2006, 01:22 PM

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."

arekdaset

04-24-2006, 02:31 PM

this is lame. get your own jokes. only eddie murphy can use that joke. this is for that rabbit and bear joke.

Ultimater

04-26-2006, 09:43 PM

What happened to the funny photos thread?... I sense the aftermath of someone's new moderation powers.
http://lua.weblog.com.pt/You%20Suck_Blow%20Me.jpeg
I couldn't hold it in any longer after I came across this one:
http://lumumba.uhasselt.be/~mocon/brol/forumpics/****.jpg

jeff_archer7

04-27-2006, 03:04 AM

The Origins of Mad Cow Disease.

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull
mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon
and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "and, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to
the point?"

The farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam.

Just imagine, if your t1ts got played with twice a day twice but you only got skrewed once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Ultimater

04-27-2006, 08:02 AM

http://www.billstclair.com/blog/images/bush_republicard.jpg
http://bushspeaks.com/img/the-cost-of-bush-mistakes.jpg

Mouse77e

04-27-2006, 12:16 PM

appologies to fellow catholics with no sence of humour...

two nuns in a bath
one says "wheres the soap?"
the other says "yes it does!!!"

better told than written

Mouse77e

04-27-2006, 12:18 PM

two hydrogen atms in a bar...

one says, "shoot, i've lost a neutron"
the other says "are you sure?"
"yes i'm positive!"

?????????

The Little Guy

04-27-2006, 12:19 PM

I don't get it

Mouse77e

04-27-2006, 12:21 PM

Not a joke but a great quote...

George Bernard Shaw once found himself at a dinner party, seated beside an attractive woman. "Madam," he asked, "would you go to bed with me for a thousand pounds?" The woman blushed and rather indignantly shook her head.
"For ten thousand pounds?" he asked. "No. I would not." "Then how about fifty thousand pounds?" he contined.

The colossal sum gave the woman pause, and after further reflection, she coyly replied: "Perhaps." "And if I were to offer you five pounds?" Shaw asked.

"Mr. Shaw!" the woman exclaimed. "What do you take me for!" "We have already established what you are," Shaw calmly replied. "Now we are merely haggling over the price."

Mouse77e

04-27-2006, 12:22 PM

I don't get it
two neutrons and the atom is negative... loose one and then he's positive... (if i remember my physics anyway)

The Little Guy

04-27-2006, 01:49 PM

two neutrons and the atom is negative... loose one and then he's positive... (if i remember my physics anyway)

actually I was talking about the nuns joke

Mouse77e

04-27-2006, 04:05 PM

actually I was talking about the nuns joke

wheres, wears... its rude you know... nudge nudge...

Ultimater

04-27-2006, 11:19 PM

Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been
married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He wants
sex regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes,
Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know
if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd funothel gothsl
ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely
ous mdyl isnt';dk~0................

The Little Guy

04-27-2006, 11:23 PM

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

The Little Guy

04-27-2006, 11:24 PM

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Ultimater

04-28-2006, 01:47 AM

Ultimater

05-02-2006, 01:44 PM

"Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it."

Ultimater

05-29-2006, 03:38 PM

An email my sister sent me.

A WEEK AT THE GYM:

ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular! workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but! t I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other
club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated anyother
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleading b****. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the other b****), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

rch10007

05-29-2006, 03:53 PM

Now that is comedy!!! Good one!

wh666-666

05-29-2006, 05:14 PM

Here's a funny told to me by a blind friend:

The community mini-bus driver was taking a load of blind people on a road trip. Upon entering a village the driver asked the group whether they wanted to have a drink at the local pub. The group protested saying that they wanted to play some football first while it was still daylight. The driver passed the group their football that jingled when it was kicked enabling them all to play and went to grab a beer in the pub while the group ran around. Halfway through his pint a policeman entered the pub and asked if the group on the village green was with him, and the driver confirmed they were and asked why. Then the policeman informed him that he had to arrest the group ...... For kicking the sh*t out of a morris dancer!

Ultimater

06-14-2006, 05:36 PM

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

There is in fact an I in Norris, but there is no team not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannae change the laws of physics. This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Ultimater

06-14-2006, 05:37 PM

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Stephen Philbin

06-15-2006, 08:21 AM

Here's a much more brief joke. It had me laughing for ages.

Q: How do you turn a duck into a top soul artist?

A: Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

:D

dthurman1432

06-21-2006, 05:12 PM

That Chuck Norris crap was freakin hilarious, but all so so true.

The following was suppost to be rated as the world's funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
The guy get's back on the phone and says: "OK, now what?"

dthurman1432

06-21-2006, 06:26 PM

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

dthurman1432

06-21-2006, 06:30 PM

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

dthurman1432

06-21-2006, 06:33 PM

A guy walks in the bar totally pissed off from the two hours before. His hair soaked, and his knuckles beet red. He sits at the stool and orders the bartender to give him 3 shots of tequila.
"Alright now, sir, before you get an attitude with me, tell me whats the matter." The guy looks at the bartedner and begins his story.
"Alright man, I was at the bar down the street and I was talkin' to this fine ass hunny. And she was really feelin' me, ya'know?" The bartender looks confused and says "Yea...well, that doesn't sound so bad."
"Yea? Well let me finish. She asked if I wanted to go to her hotel room. Taken aback, I agreed. So I go to her hotel and fool around a bit. And I'm thinking I'm really scoring with this chick. In the midst of doing our "duty" we hear big footsteps comming down the hall. Terrified the girl tells me shes sorry and that she has a boyfriend, but she'd be happy to leave him for me.
Agreeing with everything this girl is saying i agree to hide. So I'm running around this room, and the first place I think of hiding is under the bed, but then, no, thats the first place he'd look. Second, I think of hiding in the bathroom, but of course he'd look there. So, like the fool I am, I decide to dangle from the balcony as her angry boyfriend walks in.
I hear him ranting and raving about how he knows shes foolin around on him and that he'll hunt me down and kill me. So after a few loud noises the boyfriend mysteriously goes into the bathroom and I hear water running.
So, ya'know, I'm thinking this guys gonna take a bath. But then, he returns, and dumps scolding hot water over my head."
"Yea," the bartender says, "I'd be pissed about that too."
"No, I'm not finished. So when I finally think I've taken enough, still dangling from the window sill, the boyfriend, not nearly has had enough, slams the door over my knuckles five times till i scream..."
"Damn, the bartender says. "So thats why your pissed huh?"
"No, I'm not done."
"Well will you please just get to it?"
"Yea, I look down and I'm only two feet off the ground."

dthurman1432

06-22-2006, 01:12 PM

An Englishmen, an Irishman and a Scotsman were walking through the desert, and were really tired. They came across a magic lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and said 'you can each have one wish'. The Englishman said 'i wish i was with my family at home with lots of food ad drink'. So POOF!! he was gone. The Scotsman said 'i wish i was with my family at home with lots of food and drink'. So POOF!! he was gone. It was now the Irishman's turn. He said 'im lonely now. I want the other two back'.

dthurman1432

06-22-2006, 01:13 PM

The ladies might think this is funny.

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh!t out
of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less
firm they are.
3. Men are like. ...... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change
them..

4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not
quite sure why.
5. Men are like. ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they
usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word
they say.

7. Men are like ....... Department Stores .... Their clothes are
always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo
long to mature.

9. Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first
sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only
for a little while.

11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're
coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not
very bright.

13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots .... All the good ones are
taken, the rest are handicapped.

dthurman1432

06-22-2006, 01:14 PM

An attempt to interpret what guys are really telling.

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"
It's a really good movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"We share the housework."
Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am desperately hoping that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be much worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again."