What's your best joke?

[dthurman1432]

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaimed his friend, "Good trade."

[dthurman1432]

Hunting and a Bear

Two men were hunting in the woods, and they came across a bear. The bear starts chasing them and they are running as fast as they can. They looked back and the bear was gaining on them. The two hunters are running neck and neck and one says to the other, "I don't think we are going to be able to outrun this bear". The other hunter says "I am not worried about the bear, I only have to outrun you"

A Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I canmake a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge??"

Woman at a Bar

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work ****tail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said:
"Paint my house."

Funeral

There was a man lied on his death bed only having a few hours to live. Down stairs his wife was making fresh cookies.The man could smell the cookies so with the last bit of energy he had he went down stairs to find the fresh cookies on the table.He went to grab one but his wife slapped it out of his hand and said 'get off you greedy.. they are for your funeral.

Definitions

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."

[dthurman1432]

After marrying a much younger woman, a 93 year-old man visited his doctor and announced they were expecting a baby despite the doctor's previous reassurances that they would not need to use birth control.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a tiger charged toward him. Pointing his umbrella at the tiger, he shot and killed the animal on the spot." "Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody must have shot from the side!" "Exactly," replied the doctor.

[wh666-666]

wheres all this slating of men come from? Heres one proving how evil women are:

Proof that girls are evil:

First stating that girls require time x money (some more than others)
And as we all know time is money so therefor girls equal money x money (girls=money squared)
And because money is the root of all evil girls equal the root of all evil

[the tree]

First stating that girls require time x money (some more than others)
And as we all know time is money so therefor girls equal money x money (girls=money squared)
And because money is the root of all evil girls equal the root of all evilWTF? How did you manage to get that wrong? You are a shame to the race of men.

[dthurman1432]

A really short guy walks into a nunery and says to the chief nun, "Have you got any nuns in the nunery as short as me??" and the nun replied, "Er, no......".
So he said, "Have you got any nuns in the whole world as short as me??" and the nun said, "Er, no......".
His mate then said to him, "Sorry mate. I told you you did it with a penguin".

[dthurman1432]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[dthurman1432]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."

[dthurman1432]

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

[dthurman1432]

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[dthurman1432]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

[wh666-666]

WTF? How did you manage to get that wrong? You are a shame to the race of men.

Obviously you've never seen the same joke before tree. It is quite amusing as its quite accurate in alot of ways and i really dont understand your comment, quite baffling to be honest!

[dthurman1432]

A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at both of them and said, " You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.

[vinnydarat]

A couple of Rap songs that may never get released:

"'G' is for Gangsta, and GAY!"

"Smack My Bit$h Up! But Then Apologize Because It Wasn't the Ho's Fault Cuz I Wuz Really Projectin' My Feelings for My Whack Boss Onto Her and That Ain't Cool, G!"

[Luke101]

JAG, stands for Jokes Are Gay :)

[sleven]

my best joke: :D :D :D :eek:

[Sunny G]

OK, here is my addition to this thread.

So there's this Contractor. He's inspecting the work the other contractors did on the scaffolding. Something then went wrong, and he fell. On the way to the ground, both his ears got lopped off, and there was nothing the plastic surgeons could do. He would have to live his life with no ears.

After he sued the other contractors, he got a large sum of money. With it, he started his own contractor business. But he needed workers. He really wanted good workers who wouldn't comment on his ears. So he checked one guy's resume, it was good. When he asked the guy if he noticed anything different about him, he said he had no ears. That guy didn't get the job. So he checked the resume of another guy, it was even better. So he asked him if he noticed anything different about him. He said, "yeah, I noticed you're wearing contacts". "WOW!" the contractor thought. How'd you know? "Well, you can't wear glasses without ears" he said.

[Neo7]

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and an accountant attend an interview for a job.

Interviewer: What's 2+2?
Phy: It's 4 +/- 0.001.

Int: What's 2+2?
Eng: It's 3.99 to a good approximation.

Int: What's 2+2?
Math: I have no idea what 2+2 is, but I do know that a solution exists.

Int: What's 2+2?
Acc: *Looks around to make sure that no one's listening and says* What do you want it to be

[chestertb]

If they weigh whales at a whale weigh station, where to they weigh pies?

Somewhere over the rainbow.
(Come on... sing it)

[NogDog]

A man walked into bar. He heard someone say, "Hey, there, good-looking, so glad you could stop in. Have you been losing weight?"

He looked over at the bar where the voice seemed to come from, but no one was there. Then he heard the same voice, apparently coming from a bowl of nuts atop the bar, "I like that suit, is it new? Who does your hair, it looks great!"

He walked to the other end of the bar where the bartender was fixing a drink and asked him, "Hey, what's up with that talking bowl down there?"

The bartender looked up and replied, "Oh, the nuts are complimentary here."

[xvszero]

Hey guys, lets just make sure we don't...



Nor...



Alright guys? This thread amuses me, let's keep it open and PG.

No sexually SUGGESTIVE jokes? That rules out 99.9999% of jokes man.

[xvszero]

The funny (maybe not so funny) part was he made it into college on a full scholarship playing for the Florida Gators because of his "grades" (and football skills). He even made it into NFL for a few years. No living being to this day can convince me grade fixing doesn't exist in High Schools or Colleges in the U.S. after going to school with that guy. Initially it was very funny though.

Ah, my cousin has a basketball scholarship for a local college, it's not even a Division 1 school and they still pretty much let the athletes get away with murder. He doesn't mind since he is kind of erm... well let's just say he scored a 15 on his ACT. He admits that without basketball there is no way he would be at this college at all.

[David Harrison]

If they weigh whales at a whale weigh station, where to they weigh pies?

Somewhere over the rainbow.
(Come on... sing it)A ... pie weigh station? I don't get it.

[chestertb]

David, you're not singing.
Come on. SIng it with me.
Somewhere over the rainbow...

[scragar]

What happened to the OP? I've not seen him in a long time.

No joke I'm afraid, have a couple of my fave limericks from the DB instead:

The Polish postfix code went through
But the parser knew not what to do
For unlike in Prussia
In Soviet Russia
2 42 + equals YOU!

public void Addline (String[] some_rhymes) {
try {poem.add(some_rhymes[numline]);
numline += 1; }
catch (Exception is_done) {
Window.alert("Crashed at runtime"); } }

[David Harrison]

David, you're not singing.
Come on. SIng it with me.
Somewhere over the rainbow...Where pies are blue???

[Ultimater]

Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement!

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.