What's your best joke?

[smercer]

Hi all

I think I might start some humour going in this forum, so I will start a Jokes thread.

Heres my first joke:

The Magic Elevator
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

[smercer]

here's another good one!!

A Cheap Train Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[davidbrent]

Originally posted by smercer
here's another good one!!

A Cheap Train Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

That's brilliant!

[JPnyc]

Uh......I can't post it here.:mad:

[ajkiwi88]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(you're gonna love this)






(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)




(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says............

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

[the tree]

Once upon a time there were two prawns, one called Fredrick the other called Christian.

One day Fredrick said to Christain: "I'm bored, being a prawn seems so pointless, if only I could be a shark or something."

Christain replied: "Well, you ought to see the great wise squid."

So Fredrick went and did just that, he went to the great wise squid and asked to be a shark, the great wise squid said "sure."

Fredrick had a whale of time (no that wasn't the punchline) going around scarying all the fishes, chomping on surf boards, starring in movies and generaly being a shark.

When he'd done all that and was really tired and stuff, he went to his friend Christains house and knocked on the door but Christain said "No way I'm not letting you in!! Your a big scary shark!! I don't like big scary sharks!!"

So Fredrick went to the houses of his other friends but they all said the same thing, so he got really lonley (everyone say awwww).

Eventualy Fredrick decided to back to the great wise squid and ask if he could be turned back into a prawn.

The great wise squid didn't see a problem with this and the next thing Fredrick knew, he was back to being a prawn.

Strait away he went back to Christains house and knocked on the door but Christain said "No way I'm not letting you in!! Your a big scary shark!! I don't like big scary sharks!!"

So Fredrick knocked on the door again but Christain said "No way I'm not letting you in!! Your a big scary shark!! I don't like big scary sharks!!"

So Fredrick decided to call through the window so he yelled....

"Let me in!!!! I'm a prawn again Christain!!!!"

end

[NogDog]

[Warning: censored from how I heard it, but still maybe a PG-13 rating]

A bear was taking a crap in the woods. Near by a rabbit was doing the same. The bear asked the rabbit, "Say, do you have any problem with crap sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "Why no, I don't believe I've ever had a problem with crap sticking to my fur."

So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

[NogDog]

And my other favorite "bathroom" joke:


Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom. When the first finished, he proceeded to the sinks and thoroughly washed his hands with lots of hot water and soap. As he finished up he said out loud to no one in particular, "I'm glad that while getting my medical degree from Harvard I learned the importance of proper sanitation and cleansing," and then he left the restroom with an obvious air of superiority.

The second man then finished and headed to the sinks. He carefully used just barely enough water and soap and a single paper towel to perform his hand cleaning. As he left the restroom he stated in a haughty tone, "I'm glad that while getting my Environmental Law degree from Yale I learned the importance of conserving our valuable resources."

Then the third man finished, zipped up, and headed straight for the door - bypassing the sinks - saying to himself, "I'm glad I got my MS in fluid dynamics from MIT and learned how to avoid getting piss on my hands."

[NogDog]

Oh, and this web-developer-related cartoon cracks me up, but you won't get it if you haven't studied a little Quantum Physics:

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20030427&mode=classic

[smercer]

Y2k My Ass
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[smercer]

Undocumented Error Codes

The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

[smercer]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[davidbrent]

My, my, aren't we the comedian!

[baseiber]

I really like the Undocumented Error Codes. It speaks to the former tech in me. :D

[PeOfEo]

I cant post my best one here... it is really dirty. It involves roulette... if you want to here it pm me.

[PeOfEo]

Originally posted by NogDog
Oh, and this web-developer-related cartoon cracks me up, but you won't get it if you haven't studied a little Quantum Physics:

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20030427&mode=classic :D the cat is dead and the cat is not dead at the same time, hence the blink!

[smercer]

Condom Complaint
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know". The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?" The man looking angrier and replied, "I don't know!" The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

[smercer]

Since you guys like Windows jokes so much I will post more. Here you go:


Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.

[smercer]

A Robber Meets A Theif
Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

[smercer]

Microsoft VS. GM
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[davidbrent]

Originally posted by smercer
Microsoft VS. GM
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

Brilliant! That makes me realise how grateful I am Microsoft stuck to computers rather than cars!

[PeOfEo]

Haha, that made me chuckle. I am a Microsoft man and a GM man. But if you get me in the same room with an old mopar (preferably a 60s dodge challeneger) I will forget them both!

[philaweb]

Q: How can you see the last person using a computer was a blonde female?
A: Screen is full of correction fluid, food was left for the mouse and the game joystick has lipstick all over.

Q: How come blonde females ask for curtains for their PC?
A: They have Windows!

[smercer]

IN PRISON. . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON. . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON. . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK. . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON. . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK. . . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON. . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK. . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON. . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK. . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

So ....... why is it again that we work?

[smercer]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The mystery man is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt?Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announed the Schitt?Happens wedding. The Schitt?Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!

[smercer]

Hot E-mail
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....


DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...

P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

[smercer]

Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.

9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."

8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.

7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.

6. They are never too tired.

5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.

4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.

3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).

2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget everything you want them to forget.

1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

10. You don't need a password to get in.

9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.

8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.

7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's lovelife.

6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)

4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl-friends if one happens to be an English major, but not generally).

3. Computers don't give back-rubs.

2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.[Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].

1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it might be dangerous...]

[smercer]

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

[smercer]

Hey Jick and RHS, political jokes like this okay?

Bush and Clinton on a Train
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.
The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

[smercer]

Microsoft CRAP

REDMOND, Wa -- November 8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announced today a new software package called currently Computer Response Automation Program, or C.R.A.P. This is a system for Win95 in which is automatically chooses what you do and do not want to do. After watching you use your computer for one day it automatically "learns" how to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons in dialog boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data.
Currently in its beta version, the users it is targeting for (Computer Idiots (All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America On-Line!". Currently the only bug found in the system is that it will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by saying "We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will be by 1996." Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB and all users of Win95 will be eligible for this program, which will be supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version of Quicken, the popular money management software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P. The Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controlling their finances. Is that a crime?"
Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer, but having one. Truly amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced that C.R.A.P. will not be available for the Macintosh system or WinNT because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a contact inside Microsoft for the AP.

[baseiber]

For those in the holiday spirit.

Happily Addicted to the Web (Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web!

[rhsunderground]

Originally posted by baseiber
For those in the holiday spirit.

Happily Addicted to the Web (Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! oh, how true that is. screw the northern lights - i was glued to my box.

[smercer]

Do you think this (See attachment) would be a good deterrent for burglars?

Ha ha ha

[smercer]

Microsoft Tech Support Saves the Day

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

[smercer]

The Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"S h i t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[smercer]

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[russell]

you're getting better smercer. the dingo and the leopard is my favorite one so far!

[Mr Initial Man]

An old farmer was fishing out of a creek, when a guy in a brand-new corvette convertable came driving up, and stopped at where a bridge HAD been, but had washed out.

"Hey, there hayseed," said the city slicker, "You think you can show me where to get across?"

The farmer looked him over, and finally nodded. "Yeah... looks pretty shallow over there by the ducks," he said.

The guy grinned, and drove towards the ducks, and attempted to cross the stream there. The corvette promplty sank out of sight, and the city slicker had to move fast to keep from drowning. He came back to the farmer, absolutely furious.

"You said it was shallow there! That must be the deepest part of the stream!"

The farmer scratched his beard, and said "Well, that's strange... it only comes up half-way on the ducks."

[davidbrent]

Originally posted by smercer
An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company...

You are definatley getting better!

[philaweb]

Q: How do you dissolve a demonstration in Scotland?
A: Begin a collection of funds.


Scotsman enters the pharmacy with a condom:
- Patch it, please!
- Why not buy a new one?
- Haven't got a mandate.
- How come?
- It belongs to the club.


- Anyone here who runs fast?
- I do!
- How long and how fast, little Kevin?
- 100 meters in seven seconds.
- But the World record is 9.78 seconds.
- Yeah, but I know a shortcut.

[smercer]

Windows 95 Source Code

Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

[smercer]

How Much Is That Barbie In The Window
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[smercer]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up and over the curb, stopping just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...
For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse.

[smercer]

Originally posted by davidbrent
My, my, aren't we the comedian!

well to tell you the truth, I have been cheating. I just visit joke web sites and copy and paste them (my favourite ones) in to word and save them on my hard drive.

[davidbrent]

Originally posted by smercer
well to tell you the truth, I have been cheating. I just visit joke web sites and copy and paste them (my favourite ones) in to word and save them on my hard drive.

Doesn't matter, they're always a good read! Here's my contribution:

I won a lifetime supply of marmite. One can!

[smercer]

This one was written from memory, so I think it is right.

A old man and a punk with a with rainbow coloured mow hawk, were in a mall. The old man was staring at the punk, the punk noticed the old man staring at him and said "what's the matter old timer, haven't you done anything wild in your life?"

To this the old man says "well one day I got drunk, rooted a parrot and now I am wondering if you are my son"

[smercer]

Welcome To Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in s h i t.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"

[smercer]

Magical Wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[smercer]

Telemarketer Torture 2004

What to do when your dinner is interrupted:

- Ask them if they've got beer

- Start speaking in tongues

- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number

- Tell them that you're not there right now

- Ask them if they accept coupons

- Start selling them something else

- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead

- Start preaching your religion to them

- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.

- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer

- Play a recording of a busy signal

- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.

- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.

- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice

- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.

- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)

- Speak in ragga chant

- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says

- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.

- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.

- Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.

I think I'll add one of my own...
one day I was having dinner and the telemarketer rang, Asked for me and started to rave on about buying some such thing, so I just quietly put the phone down so she did not know I was gone, and continued on with my dinner.

I could hear her rattle on as I was having dinner and was at it for about five minutes. It was funny when she realised when I was not there (very bad temper). :D

[smercer]

Perfect Employee

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[smercer]

Blind Pilots

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the ****pit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the ****pit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."

[smercer]

Said In Court

These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[smercer]

Meeting Bill Gates
Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

[davidbrent]

They are effing hillarious!

[smercer]

I think I am the only one who posts jokes. I think I will let everyone else post theirs too.

[smercer]

What, no one has a good joke? I could post more, but it is no fun doing it all by myself. Here is a good joke for the current situation:

Over worked


For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine , too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I have found the real reason: overworked, here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice,..... real nice..... !!

[gorky]

Here's two I heard today, or I guess yesterday now.

A couple is having a baby, so they go to the hospital. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that he has invented a new machine that transfers any percentage of the labor pains from the mother to the father. Both the mom and the dad consent to giving the doctor's invention a try. So, while the mother is giving birth, the docter puts the machine up to 10% of the pains and the father doesn't feel any different, but the mother is feeling less pain. The doctor cranks the machine up to 50%, but the only difference is that the mother is feeling less pain! Amazed that his invention is working so well, he puts 100% of the pain to the father, but the father still feels nothing. After the delivery is complete, they go home. When they get to their house, the mailman is lying dead on the porch.



There are these 3 explorers that went out into a tropical forest in South America. When exploring, they run into a tribe that captures them. The leader tells them that if they each come back with 3 of the same fruit, they will not be killed. So, the first guy comes back with 3 apples. The leader tells him that if he wants to live and be set free, he has to shove all of the apples up his butt without changing his facial expression. He gets through the first one, but then he makes a scowl from the pain and is killed by the leader. The second guy comes back with 3 blackberries; he easily gets through the first 2, but then he starts to laugh. The leader immediately kills him. In heaven, the first and the second guys meet and the first guy says to the second one, "Why did you laugh? You were almost free and it looked so easy!"

The second one replies, "I couldn't help it! I saw the third guy coming back with 3 pineapples!"



I also have a series of sheep jokes (mmmmmmm), one of which you'll find recorded HERE (http://ajman098.blogspot.com/2004/12/sheep-joke-3.html) using Blogger.com's AudioBlogger. Enjoy!

-Gorky

[smercer]

good one gorky.

heres some more

Error writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


Wrong Pig
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

[gorky]

Here's one about a mailman:


A smalltown postman is retiring after a whopping fifty years of service. On his last run he is greeted at each house by its occupants, who, having known the kind man for as long as they could remember, shower him with handshakes, praise, food, gifts, you name it. Everything from wine to cigars to steak-dinners to engraved letter-openers. The best gift of all comes when he reaches the last house of the day and is greeted by a beautiful naked woman who pulls the old man inside and proceeds to f*** his brains out.

The next morning he awakes to the still naked woman preparing him a grand breakfast of pancakes, eggs, toast, bacon, blintzes, fruit, the works. As he sits down at the table and reaches for his coffee, he notices a one dollar bill under the mug, but does not say anything. After the entire breakfast is over, he asks the woman about the dollar. She immediately replies in a cheerful voice, "It's for you!"

He doesn't understand so she elaborates, "Well, when I asked my husband what I should get you for your retirement, he responded, 'F*** him, give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."


-Gorky

[gorky]

K,

I got this from the same site that rhsunderground got his signature (http://bash.org/?9322). I was laughing so hard I cried. I don't think I'm violating any rules by puting it up but I will happily delete it if I am.

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

-Gorky

[theuedimaster]

friggin hilarious. holy ****. woof! i laughed really hard there.

[gorky]

Heh heh... I don't think I'll be posting this in the Java Forum :)

-Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

-Gorky

[scragar]

but HTML is nice and that works on all browsers...

on the other hand some people may consider anal-sex nice(although I personaly wouldn't)

[gorky]

I agree.

It's nice to think of, um, both... sides of the issue.

-Gorky

[PhillMc]

Originally posted by smercer
Meeting Bill Gates
... "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

GREAT!! LOL
I'm STEALING that one!

[amazing_andr3]

Nice jokes. I might steal them for my

http://best-jokes.hotusa.org

[smercer]

Error writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Mr Initial Man]

A couple of bikers were driving down the road, when they saw a nun, whose car had a flat tire. She also had a broken arm.

The bikers stopped to help, and in no time, they had the flat off, and the spare on, and were ready to head out.

While they were going to their bikes, one turned around and headed back, and said "Sister, how'd you break your arm? I mean, us bikers, we crash, brawl, and whatever, broken bones is part of the daily routine, but you nuns lead a pretty sheltered life."

The nun blushed a bit, and said "Well, I slipped and fell in the bathtub."

The Biker nodded. "Oh, okay," he said, and headed back to his bike.

His buddy looked at him, and said "Well, what happened to her?"

"Oh, she slipped and fell in the bathtub."

The buddy thought for a moment, then asked - "Well, what's a bathtub?"

"I dunno, I'm not Catholic."

[smercer]

Originally posted by Mr Initial Man
"I dunno, I'm not Catholic."

I don't get it, how is that funny?

[amazing_andr3]

coz the bikers don't wash!

[smercer]

Originally posted by amazing_andr3
coz the bikers don't wash!
I still do not find it very funny

heres another joke:
Top 15 Things People Think the '95' in 'Windows 95' Really Stands For

15. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.
14. Bill Gates' age when it ships.
13. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship in.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was due to ship.

[Mr Initial Man]

Originally posted by smercer
I still do not find it very funny

Guess it's just a joke only Bikers would get...


Okay, here's another one.

A con man drove into a small town, and stopped at the local gas station. He saw a young girl at the till, and so he chatted her up a bit, then said "By the way, I need change for this $12 bill." The cashier looked at it, smiled sweetly, and said "Certainly. Would you like threes, fours, or sixes?"

[smercer]

What you don't want at work (see attachment)

[smercer]

Shh...don't tell the women about this one!! ha ha

[smercer]

Just be glad it's only a picture!! (see attachment)

[smercer]

While walking down the street one day George Bush is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says Bush.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Bush

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is
very happy and in elegant clothing. They run to greet him, hug him, slap him
on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time for Bush to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the Bush joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

Bush reflects for a minute, then answers:

"Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers Bush. Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

[Daniel T]

Originally posted by smercer
While walking down the street one day George Bush is tragically hit by a truck... *applauds*






*then reads rest of joke*

[smercer]

Originally posted by Daniel T
*applauds*






*then reads rest of joke*
Drivers get points for hitting politicians. Here is the points system:
George Bush = 1000 points
Tony Blair = 1000 points
John Howard = 1000 points
For all other politions = 500 points

then you add on to the points with the "hit with vehicle" points
Road train = 5000 points
B-Double = 2000 points
Truck and bus = 1000 points
Mini bus = 800 points
Car = 500 points
motorcycle = 100 points
bicycle = 10 points
Pedestrian(punch politician in head) = 5 points

The original joke was about Tony Blair, but I thought it would be more fitting for George Bush :D

[gorky]

Keeping with our fascination of Hell and Presidents I present to you two jokes I heard during the closing of the Clinton Administration...
(Note, the first one requires some historical knowledge)


Joke #1 (Long One)

Bill Clinton, much later in his life, dies of a heart attack and finds himself in Hell. He wanders a bit until he comes upon Satan, who is deep in thought. He says, "We have a problem Bill. We're full."

"Full?" Clinton enquires, "What do you mean 'full'?"

The Devil responds, "Well, we had two 747's go down yesterday, and the soul and recycling collectors don't come until Tuesday. The only way to fit you in, and fit in you must, is to have you take someone else's place and have them go to Heaven. I have three choices for you."

So he leads the ex-President to the first room containing Ronald Reagan. They both watch as Reagan dives off a diving board into and olympic-sized pool smack in the middle of a school of sharks. Ronald swims with all his might to the shallow end with the sharks surging after him, makes it out, and goes to the diving board to repeat the process.

After watching Reagan do it a few more times, Clinton turns to Satan and says, "Let's move on to the next room. I am deathly afraid of sharks, and not a very good swimmer."

In the next room they find the nephew of ex-President John F. Kennedy, Michael on a ski slope, playing football with a snow-packed water bottle. After about a minute of skiing, with a sickening 'thud', he smashes head first into a tree. Clinton looks away as Michael gets up and repeats the process. "Take me away from here," he pleads, "this was tragic enough the first time around."

At the third room, Clinton is faced with a hot, passionate scene in which Al Gore is having carnal, sexual intercourse with Monica Lewinsky. As their animal cries flutter through the background, Bill excitedly turns to the Devil and says, "This is it! This is the eternity I have chosen!"

The Devil walks into the room, followed closely by a sweating Clinton, jerks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Okay Monica, you're free to go."


Joke #2 (Quick One)

John: "So, did you hear Clinton gave up the saxophone?"
Stanley: "No, who is he giving it up?"
John: "He's switching to the Whore-Monica."


-Gorky

[smercer]

Michael Jackson Sex Problems
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with Michael Jackson?

A: When the crib breaks.

[smercer]

Password


A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

[scragar]

k.st

there check out image 22. LOL.

EDIT: it's here. (http://www.k.st/jokes/joke/listtype/2/catid//id/22.htm)

[smercer]

Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young **** from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[Daniel T]

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both stick their meat between 8-year-old buns.

[pyro]

Well, if you're doing Michael Jackson jokes...

What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them...

[96turnerri]

:D

[smercer]

Micahel Jackson- Bedtime
Q: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

[gorky]

This one is great but probably borderline.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.

-Gorky

[scragar]

whats MJ's fave song?
don't let your sun go down on me.
----------------------------------------------------
MJ and his girl freind are in bed and she say's she is pregnant.
MJ: "how long should be wait before we have sex then?"
GF: "Leave him untill he can walk, OK?"
----------------------------------------------------
Night later:
GF: "my freind say's your a pervert."
MJ: "that's a long word for a 4 year old."

[gorky]

If anyone wants the dictionary of MJ jokes, go to http://williambader.com/mj.html. The guy who does the site also puts up the hate/fan letters he gets from people. Some of them are pretty obsessive.

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blue.

Q: What does Michael Jackson consider a 'perfect 10'?
A: Two 5 year-olds.

-Gorky

[smercer]

Advanced Medicine

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

[smercer]

Fast Divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

[smercer]

PeOfEo and others might like this political joke

[Mr Initial Man]

Canadians will like this one (Especially Western Canadians who come here.) For the rest of you, a bit of explanation.

A chinook is a west wind that blows across Alberta and Saskatchewan. It's often very strong, and quite warm. As in "walk around in T-shirts when there's snow on the ground" warm.

Anyways... Ahem.
-----------------------------------------------
In 1865, Canada was formed, and the various politicians all assembled in the city of Ottawa to discuss how the country was to be run. According to Western Canadian folklore, that's the first time a Chinook came out of the east

[smercer]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

[theuedimaster]

Bravo. Bravo.

[PhillMc]

Originally posted by smercer
PeOfEo and others might like this political joke

Hehe.. I'm saving this one. :D

[PeOfEo]

Originally posted by smercer
PeOfEo and others might like this political joke ain't it the truth!


I bought a **** on tshirt hell that says
"if it looks like an ass, and acts like an ass"
around the democrat donkey, but that shirt is no longer on tshirt hell.




also:
http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a401/a401.gif
suck on that one fools@!

[PhillMc]

Originally posted by PeOfEo


also:
http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a401/a401.gif
suck on that one fools@!

I can read it; and I have no problems in that area. :D

[PeOfEo]

Originally posted by PhillMc
I can read it; and I have no problems in that area. :D I sware I am going to buy that shirt just so I can wear it to the lan parties.

[PhillMc]

Originally posted by PeOfEo
I sware I am going to buy that shirt just so I can wear it to the lan parties.
ROFL!

[smercer]

Originally posted by PeOfEo
suck on that one fools@!

I find this offensive, I think you better edit it before someone complains.

I better get this thread back on course.

The Golden Toilet


A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was surprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me madam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''



Golden Urinal
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by smercer
here's another good one!!

A Cheap Train Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Wow, I love how the telling of jokes turns into a telephone-game!
I first heard this joke in Hebrew in Israel except it involved 2 Jews and 2 non-Jews...
And btw, your first joke I also heard but they were amish (sp?) that religion when you can't use electricity.

[hooloovoo24]

There was a blonde who was tired of always getting made fun of. So she decides to dye her hair brown. And suddenly, she's getting all this respect! So one day, she's feeling pretty confident and smart. She's driving past this farm and sees a shepherd and a bunch of sheep. She pulls over and walks over to the guy. "Hey, if I can guess the how big your flock is," she says, "Can I have a sheep to take home?" The farmer agrees, and shockingly, she guesses right! She takes an animal and starts walking back to her car. Suddenly, the farmer runs after her.

"WAIT!" he shouts. "If I can guess the true color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[hooloovoo24]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were moutain climbing. They were all three clinging to one rope, and the rope started to break under the strain. It was decided that one person must let go and fall to their deaths in order to heroically save the others. Nobody wanted to volunteer, and for a few akward minutes there was silence as the rope continued to fray. At last, the brunette gave a moving speech about how she would make the sacrifice. When she was done, the blonde was moved and started to applaud. "Good thinking," said the redhead as her and the brunette climbed their way to safety.

[smercer]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" to which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you too!!"

[hooloovoo24]

The three pigs walk into a restaurant. The first pig orders a huge slice of chocolate cake, the second one orders a large apple pie, and the third orders water. They eat and the waiter comes back and asks if they want anything else. The first pig orders a cheese sandwich, the second orders a hamburger, and the third orders water. It goes on like this, with the last pig always ordering water, until the waiter finally says something. "Don't you want anything to eat?" he asks, "I mean, why do you keep ordering so much water?"

"Well," the pig replies, "Someone's got to go wee wee wee all the way home!"

[smercer]

What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?

Your mum.

Oh my god, what were you thinking... that’s rude.

[smercer]

Qantas

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers.

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

[smercer]

Arthritis


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[PeOfEo]

good stuff smercer! :D

[smercer]

This has to be the funniest joke I have seen in my whole life.

If this is too offensive I'll remove it and you would have to pm me for you email address for me to email it to you.

Pensioners Sex
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f***ing fence wasn't electrified."

[Ultimater]

Three guys are trapped on an Island and encounter an Indian tribe.
The tribe told each of them to go into the woods and return with
10 of any one fruit or be killed. So the first guy returns with
apples and the tribe told him to shove all 10 of them up his THING
while keeping a straight face. So he shoved 1..2..3.. and on the 4th one he couldn't fit another. So the tribe killed him.
The 2nd guy came back with cherries. The tribe thought this will be easy. So He shoved 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. and burst out laughing.
The tribes killed him and in heaven the 1st guy asked him, "Why did you laugh? You almost did it!"
The 2nd guy replied, "I couldn't hold it when I saw the 3rd guy returning with pineapples!"

[Ultimater]

Three guys have a premonition from the devil, a rich guy, a gay guy and a felon, that if they mess up one more time, he will have their soul!

So the felon encounters a really annoying little girl that was crying.
The felon couldn't resist, and he went *puff* .

Later that day the rich guy and the gay guy are walking down the road.
The rich guy bends-over to pick up a lost penny, and they both went *puff* .

[Ultimater]

A drunk walks into a bar. (The end)

Marriage is grand and divorce is ten-grand.(The end)

How do you confuse a blonde? Bring 'em into a round room and tell 'em to P in a corner.
How does the blonde confuse you? If 'em found one and P'd there.
(The end)

[smercer]

I hope I don't give you guys any ideas.

A Few Days Off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

[smercer]

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money"
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[theuedimaster]

Originally posted by Ultimater
Three guys are trapped on an Island and encounter an Indian tribe.
The tribe told each of them to go into the woods and return with
10 of any one fruit or be killed. So the first guy returns with
apples and the tribe told him to shove all 10 of them up his THING
while keeping a straight face. So he shoved 1..2..3.. and on the 4th one he couldn't fit another. So the tribe killed him.
The 2nd guy came back with cherries. The tribe thought this will be easy. So He shoved 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. and burst out laughing.
The tribes killed him and in heaven the 1st guy asked him, "Why did you laugh? You almost did it!"
The 2nd guy replied, "I couldn't hold it when I saw the 3rd guy returning with pineapples!"

Check throught the thread first... Smercer already said this one. Thanks for contributing though! (By the way Smercer, I know no jokes. Sorry!)

[scragar]

I have some joke, they just arn't suitable for the public...

[smercer]

From The Menu
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?"
Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie."
The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."
Gore leans and says, "It's pronounced "quiche."

[smercer]

Italian Vacation

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma *****. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma *****.

Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma *****.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma *****.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma *****.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma *****.

I go back to Italy.

[96turnerri]

isnt that a song, i heird it some where before

[c_programmer]

Clinton and Bush are at the gates of heaven, st. peter says "bill, I dont care what you say, your going to hell". bill asks "can I spend just 1 day there? there are some stuff I wanted to do since childhood", peter was fine with it. the next day as clinton is going to hell he croses bush, he says "so, what do you want to do now bush?", he replys "I want to see the virgen mary" clinton replys "to late".


Q. bill and hillary are on a sinking ship, who do you save

A. the world


now for some dead baby jokes, who doesnt like those!

Q. which is easier to move, a truch full of dead babies or bowling balls.

A. dead babies, you can use a pitch fork.


Q. what is the difference between a ford full of dead babies and my car.

A. I drive a honda.


Q. how do you make a dead baby float.

A. add ice cream.

[theuedimaster]

Holy crap. So funny, yet so friggin disgusting.

[Ultimater]

There's these two guys that are best pals but one of them
is totally ignorant when it comes to women and is engaged to
a hot chick.
So he asks his friend, "What do you do the night after you get married?"
His friend replies, "You get your most-prized possession and stick it where she P's"
Later that night he stuck his bowling ball in the toilet.

[Ultimater]

(must be 18 or older to read)

There's this nomad that is traveling in the desert with his donkey.
He opens up his sack of supplies and is awestruck when he discovers
that he is out of water.
So he is stuck there to die, what should he do now?
So the nomad drops his pants and goes for the donkey but he fails
when the donkey dodges him.
But he is determined and continues to go for the donkey.
Every time the nomad tried this the donkey took a few steps here and there.
Until he encounters a woman in the desert.
He was so relieved and asked her to hold his ass.

[Ultimater]

What do you call a bunch of blacks pushing a car?
&mdash;Black power
What do you call a bunch of whites pushing a car?
&mdash;White power
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans pushing a car?
&mdash;Grand Theft Auto.

[hooloovoo24]

OK here's a joke...

This blonde goes into an electronics store and points to a model she likes and tells the salesman "I want to buy that TV." The salesman says "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Angry, the blonde dyes her hair red, disguises herself, and comes back the next day and says "I want to buy that TV." Again the salesman shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Wondering how he could have seen through her disguise, she decides to dye her hair black and try an even better disguise. So she does and the next day she goes back to the same store and says "I want to buy that TV." But again the salesman says "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The blonde gets really angry now. "How did you know I'm a blonde?" She asks?

"Because," the salesman smiles and says, "That's a microwave."

[Ultimater]

riddle

There's this glass bottle with a coin inside and is capped with a cork.
How do you get the coin out w/o breaking anything and w/o
taking the cork out?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.




&mdash; You push the cork in

[Ultimater]

There's this old geezer that lives in a duplex.
He is on the porch sitting on his rocker reading the paper.
Then the mailman came by and asked him,"Sir does your dog bite?"
The old man lowers his paper and replies, "No, my dog doesn't bite."
So, the mailman opens up the fence, and the dog runs over to him and bites him many times.
The mailman is angry and yells at the old man,"I thought you said that
your dog doesn't bite!"
The old man lowers his paper again and replies, "Not my dog."

[smercer]

I am running out of the good jokes

The Spoon!
A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

[wamboid]

You can't run out smercer! This thread has become a daily ritual, no matter how little time I have.

[theuedimaster]

Originally posted by Ultimater
What do you call a bunch of blacks pushing a car?
&mdash;Black power
What do you call a bunch of whites pushing a car?
&mdash;White power
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans pushing a car?
&mdash;Grand Theft Auto.

I might just be me, but lets not post these types of jokes anymore.

[Ultimater]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"
I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!
"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee! "

[Ultimater]

Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a car?
He burned his lips on the tailpipe!

[Ultimater]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

[Ultimater]

I don't know if this was said here yet, but:

A farmer can't pay his morgage and needs to leave his property.
He has many chickens and a few horses.
So he trys to sell them and fails.
Since he needs to leave tomorrow, he decideds to
give them out for free.
So he would give each man-of-the-house a horse
or each woman-of-the-house a chicken.
And so he goes to house #1 and asks the man if he's single.
The man affirms and the farmer gives him a horse.
And so he's off to house #2 and asks the woman if she's single.
She affirms and the farmer gives her a chicken.
Then he goes to house #3 and a couple comes to the door.
He asks the man, "Are you the man-of-the-house?"
The man affirms.
Then the farmer asks him which horse he wanted.
The man says the brown-on and suddenly the woman starts
yelling, "No!,No!,No!, The white-one"
Then the farmer says, "Ok, here's your chicken!"

[Ultimater]

He's one of my favorites:

A drunk comes to the confession room and sits down in the booth.
After several minutes of silence the father tries to attract his
attention by clearing his throat.
The drunk ignores him and the father tries knocking on the wall.
The drunk replies, " Quit knocking, there's no paper! "

[smercer]

Originally posted by theuedimaster
I might just be me, but lets not post these types of jokes anymore.

I Agree.

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

[smercer]

Originally posted by wamboid
You can't run out smercer! This thread has become a daily ritual, no matter how little time I have.

not to worry, I'll just go and find some more as there is always a good joke untold :)

[gorky]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replied

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that

I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

-Gorky

[smercer]

Donations To Bush
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcade
in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can't find donators to give him money for his campaign. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

[smercer]

Computer Poem


A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did, with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!

[Ultimater]

I got this off the internet, it sux:





A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have
a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[Ultimater]

This one is kinda interesting:

If 99.9% is good enough then...

12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour

2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year

2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers

Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe
every day

315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have
incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during
the year

5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly

3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one
of the three sections

A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

[smercer]

One Good Reason
January 20, 2003


A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[Ultimater]

1. There is one word in the English language that is always
pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There
is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows.
What color is the bear?

3. This guy lives on the 17th floor of an apartment building. He
only takes the elevator up to his apartment if it's raining
outside or someone else is in the elevator with him. If it's not
raining and he's alone in the elevator, he gets off at the 9th
floor and walks up to the 17th on the stairs. Why?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. The word is: incorrectly
2. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North
pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
3. The guy is a midget. He can't reach the 17th floor button
on the elevator. However, he can reach the button with his
unbrella and he can always ask another person in the elevator to
push the button for him.

[hooloovoo24]

OK technically, this is an urban legend, not a joke. But I find it extremely funny.

A guy saves his whole life and finally buys the car of his dreams. It was perfect. So naturally, he wants to protect it. Only thing is, after draining his bank account to buy the car, he isn't really in the position to buy a fancy security system for it. So what he does is this: Every night as he comes home from work, he spends about an hour parking his car between two trees in his backyard that are spaced just barely wide enough for the car to fit. Then he takes some chains and chains the car to the trees. Things are going pretty well until one day, the guy comes out of his house one morning and finds that his car is there, but...it is facing the opposite way as it was when he parked it. He runs over to it and finds a note on the wind shield. It reads:

"When we want it, we'll take it."

[smercer]

The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

[wamboid]

These are copied from some SPAM I once got daily, but our new filter now usually prevents it:

Jokes of the day
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the azshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the azshole being the Boss. So the azshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the azshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shiet! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any azshole will do.
Joke 2 A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job." So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek." The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?" "Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
Joke 3 Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. "My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a 1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
Joke 4 Fishing For a Sale
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[wamboid]

Same source. I've read them before, hopefully not here. If so, sorry smercer.

Jokes of the day

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Joke 2 Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches. Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that. So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell. About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons. He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?" Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."

[smercer]

wamboid: I already posted the Qantas joke. Good jokes by the way.
----------------------------------

Do you think your having a bad day?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband

cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, dropped the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?.

[smercer]

US Navy
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

[smercer]

In Oregon, some clever authorities decided that they would blow up a beached dead whale with dynamite, rather than go to the trouble and expense of burying the rotting mammal. They surmised that after it was blown up, the hundreds of hungry seagulls that were hanging around would then eat the small portions of the big fish, and deal with the problem. The crowds and news media were moved back a ¼ of a mile and the dynamite was exploded. Unfortunately, thousands of pieces of rotten whale landed on the crowd, with one big whale portion landing on a spectator’s car, denting the roof in about 18 inches. The noise of the explosion caused the birds to completely disappear, leaving authorities with the exciting job of picking up the thousands of pieces of stinking whale and burying them.

[Ultimater]

Did anyone tell this one yet?
(It's getting so hard to keep track of the jokes)

A man walks into a bar (not a pole) and tells the bartender
to give him twenty shots of wiskey.
The bartender waits for him to laugh but doesn't.
After the bartender knows that he is serious, he brings
out twenty shots of wiskey.
The man drunk all the shots under 30 seconds.
The bartender is awestruck and asks, "How do you do it?"
The man replies, "If you had what I have, You'd be able to do it too!"
"What do you got?"
"50 cents"

[wamboid]

A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

Joke 2
Maybe you need to be from Missouri to understand, but here it goes:

A Missourian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil. After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at the Missourian happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?" The Missourian, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Missouri. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!" The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Missourian's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Missourian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Missourian replies, "This is great! Just like April in Missouri. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!" The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Missourian unhappy, the devil checks in on the him. He is aghast at what he sees. The Missourian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Missourian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Chiefs won the Super Bowl!!!"

[smercer]

For this joke, Kings Cross is a place in Sydney where the prostitutes hang out.
Australian Tourist Board Web-Site

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

1.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I wanton contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[smercer]

A Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[smercer]

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[smercer]

Harry's Exam

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too

smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter

than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and

behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of

heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[smercer]

We Float Up To Heaven On Our Backs


One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."



Top Ten Dirty Lawyer Sayings

The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last
minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be
good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one
he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?



Which Would You Rather Operate On?


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."



Lawyer Fees Are Ridiculous!


At the conclusion of the trial, the jury found the defendant Howard Smokey not guilty. His lawyer congratulated him, then handed him a bill.

Mr. Smokey looked at the bill and gulped. "This says I have to pay ten thousand dollars now and five hundred a month for the next five years! It sounds like I'm buying a Mercedes-Benz!"

The lawyer smiled. "You are."



Lawyer's Are Full Of Bull


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[smercer]

Martha Vs. Real Women

MARTHA STEWART

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up.

REAL WOMEN

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a year.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

And finally the most important tip -
MARTHA STEWART
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN
Leftover wine??

[Mr Initial Man]

I love it!

[Ultimater]

A dog says all dogs are liers, is he telling the truth?

[PhillMc]

Originally posted by Ultimater
A dog says all dogs are liers, is he telling the truth? BAH!! Evil, self-referencing paradoxes!! :p

[PeOfEo]

Originally posted by Ultimater
A dog says all dogs are liers, is he telling the truth? It must be a lie.

[Ultimater]

Here's our humor ranking:

smercer.......................77 posts
Ultimater.....................19 posts
gorky..........................09 posts
PeOfEo.......................07 posts
davidbrent....................06 posts
Mr Initial Man...............05 posts
hooloovoo24.................05 posts
theuedimaster..............05 posts
PhilMC........................05 posts
wamboid......................04 posts
scragar........................04 posts
NogDog.......................03 posts
baseiber......................02 posts
philaweb......................02 posts
Daniel T.......................02 posts
amazing_andr3.............02 posts
96turnerri.....................02 posts
JPnyc..........................01 posts
c_programmer..............01 posts
pyro............................01 posts
ajkiwi88.......................01 posts
rhsunderground.............01 posts
the tree........................01 posts
russell.........................01 posts

[theuedimaster]

Originally posted by smercer
US Navy
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

Funniest one yet! :)

[smercer]

Girlfriend to wife


Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Mr I N Distress


Dear I N Distress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,
Tech Support.

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by smercer
US Navy
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

lol rofl :D
That's some funny ****!

[Ultimater]

This joke is the oldest in the book but it seems to mesmerize
most people.
The bellboy
Three people check into a hotel. They pay $30 to the manager and go to their room.
The manager finds out that the room rate is $25 and gives $5 to the bellboy to return.
On the way to the room the bellboy reasons that $5 would be difficult to share among three people
so he pockets $2 and gives $1 to each person.
Now each person paid $10 and got back $1. So they paid $9 each, totalling $27.
The bellboy has $2, totalling $29. Where is the remaining dollar?

explanation:

If you don't get this, It's ok, most people including my math teacher
were dazed! But accountants seem to get the joke.
Because each man paid $10 and got back $1 each successful from
the manager's bellboy, they paid $9 each to the manager.
Once again the Three-men paid $9 each to the manager and
the Three-men have $1 each, (9+1) x 3 =30

Here's a different example:
I pay $10 to you and you return $1 to me.
I have $1 and I paid you $9, 1+9=10.

[codeboy]

Bad day?


Just in case you thought coming to work was bad enough.....

1.The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both
eaten by a killer whale.

2.A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving
her mentally retarded.

3.In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours
short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend
had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4.A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his
arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to
his walkman.

5.Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of
them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.

6.Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

[Ultimater]

A T-Shirt that reads&mdash;
Save the trees!
Wipe your a$$ with an owl!

[Ultimater]

Signs that should have never been make:

A sign on the main enterance to the church&mdash;
"Come on in to the gates to heaven!"
plus another sign directly under it
"This door is being kept lock due to a draft, use other door."

A sign spoted in a bathroom on the second floor&mdash;
"out of order, use floor below"

A sign on the entrence to the hardware store&mdash;
"We can fix anything!"
plus another sign directly under it
"Please knock hard, the door-bell's broke"


bumper stickers
"Not all blondes are dumb!" hung up-side-down.
"Got duck tape?" printed on duck tape.
"Don't laugh, your daughter may be in here!"
"If you can read this, you're tail-gating!"
"This smells when you scratch it."
"Hit me baby one more time!"

My old-teacher's favorite 2 jokes
"I can't stand sitting!"
"If you left it wouldn't be right!"

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by gorky
John: "So, did you hear Clinton gave up the saxophone?"
Stanley: "No, who is he giving it up?"
John: "He's switching to the Whore-Monica."


-Gorky

http://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gifhttp://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gifhttp://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gifhttp://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gifhttp://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gifhttp://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gifhttp://boards1.wizards.com/images/smilies/dropjaw.gif

[Ultimater]

I think&mdash;some of the people in here are cheating when they
tell their jokes by looking on the internet.
I haven't even looked once yet, and I will reframe from doing so.

crying baby
A hillbilly has a baby that won't stop crying.
After the hillbilly tried everything she brings her baby
to the doctor.
"He keeps on crying 'n crying, and I don't know what to do!"
The doctor notices a weird smell coming from the baby.
"Give him here so I can examine him."
About a moment later the doctor replies,
"It seems he has 2 pounds of poop in his diaper!"
"No, that can't be the problem!" she replies
"The box says for babies up to 10 pounds."


Quick Blonde joke #1
Two blondes are on either side of a river,
One shouts to the other,
"How do you get across?"
"You're already on the other side."

Quick Blonde joke #2
How do you drown a blonde?
Throw one of them stratch-and-smell stickers
to the bottom of the pool.

[BigMoosie]

To understand these jokes you have to know that New Zealanders have sex with sheep.

A sheep was caught on barb wire fence and it appeared as if it was approaching; the American sayed: "Dam, i wish that was Paris Hilton"; the Aussie sayed: "Dam, i wish that was Kylie Monogue"; the New Zealander sayed: "Dam, i wish it was black;"

// For this one remember that new zealanders speak funny :S

A new zealander was walking down the road with a very wooly sheep under his arm and another new zealander asked him: "Are you gonna sheer that?". He replied: "I aint sharing nothing!".

[BigMoosie]

i didnt check my words and realised that i sayed the first joke wrong, its too late to fix now cos it wont be funny; dont you hate it when you fukc up a good joke? i alwasy do that

[smercer]

Originally posted by Ultimater
I think&mdash;some of the people in here are cheating when they
tell their jokes by looking on the internet.
I haven't even looked once yet, and I will reframe from doing so.

So what? that is what makes this thread fun and enjoyable. complaining about it is only going to spoil the happiness I have brought on in this thread.

Originally posted by Ultimater
There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There
is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows.
What color is the bear?

the pot is calling the kettle black. I have seen that one on the internet before.

ID10T

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

[smercer]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[smercer]

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***?"

[smercer]

K9 Unit
Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to
walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn,
I was running late this morning after my workout and after I
showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back
to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9
unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the
station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose
shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs
the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a
dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

[smercer]

Originally posted by theuedimaster
Funniest one yet! :)
Nah, I think the one titled Pensioners sex was my funnyest one.

Pigs
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn".

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by smercer
Nah, I think the one titled Pensioners sex was my funnyest one.


Was that really your best joke!?
The funniest joke ,excluding all own, by my opinion is the Whore-Monica.

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by Ultimater
There's this old geezer that lives in a duplex.
He is on the porch sitting on his rocker reading the paper.
Then the mailman came by and asked him,"Sir does your dog bite?"
The old man lowers his paper and replies, "No, my dog doesn't bite."
So, the mailman opens up the fence, and the dog runs over to him and bites him many times.
The mailman is angry and yells at the old man,"I thought you said that
your dog doesn't bite!"
The old man lowers his paper again and replies, "Not my dog."

This is either my funniest joke or second-best.
Here's the other possiblity, every time I think of the joke
I give a giggle.

A man walks into a bar with his dog on a leash and the bartender says
“Gee that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail."
The bartender continues, "I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
They bet 50 bucks and went to the yard to watch the fight.
The rottweiler gets torn to pieces.
Another drinker says his pitbull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pitbull all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, “Say, what breed is that dog anyways?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink,"
The owner giggles "it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

[smercer]

Programmer on plane


A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep

[smercer]

Clinton's Parrot
One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.
When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.
A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”
A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”

[wamboid]

More from my spam

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. "Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?"

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anai probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bietch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shiet. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condome make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

[smercer]

From The Menu
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting in a diner. The waitress says, "Ready to order?"
Clinton says, "Yeah. I'd like a quickie."
The waitress says, "A quickie? Mr. President, I don't think that's a real good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."
Gore leans and says, "It's pronounced "quiche."


I'll also leave an attachment for you to laugh at microsoft.

[smercer]

ha ha

[smercer]

I hope I dont get known as girl basher on this one.

[rhsunderground]

Originally posted by smercer
I hope I dont get known as girl basher on this one. interesting math there...

[PeOfEo]

I have seen that one before. I reproduced that on the chalk board in front of my physics professor a while ago, he got a good laugh.

There is also this one:
http://www.ninjapirate.com/images/math-of-sex3.gif but that is total bs calculous... if that actually worked it would be funnier.

[scragar]

doesn't work out, but it's still a great laugh.

[Ultimater]

Well PeOfEo, I'd have to say that the solution is very
logical&mdash;both the math and the answer&mdash;unlike the
girls are evil Math by smercer.
How did "Girls require time and money" generate
Girls=time x money rather than Girls=time + money?

[scragar]

That's easy, because the longer you spend with them the more it cost you.

[theuedimaster]

Originally posted by Ultimater
Well PeOfEo, I'd have to say that the solution is very
logical&mdash;both the math and the answer&mdash;unlike the
girls are evil Math by smercer.
How did "Girls require time and money" generate
Girls=time x money rather than Girls=time + money?

Very simple, how are you going to add two different types of units together? You can't add money and time! You can only multiply them together in order to recieve the until dubbed "time-money" which can be later be derived to find "money x money = money^2", and then, to figure our the final answer in terms of evil(s).

By the way, why is everybody trashing Smercer?

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by theuedimaster
Very simple, how are you going to add two different types of units together? You can't add money and time! You can only multiply them together in order to recieve the until dubbed "time-money" which can be later be derived to find "money x money = money^2", and then, to figure our the final answer in terms of evil(s).

By the way, why is everybody trashing Smercer?

I heard his joke before and I didn't find it funny the second time
because I noticed the flawed math work.
Smercer seems to be tapping into the "internet-jokes".
Whenever I hear a bad joke I call it an interent-joke because
the internet contains loads and loads of seemingly computer-generated-humor. :p

[Mr Initial Man]

Some time ago, a blonde was at a truck stop, and she saw a guy standing by a 1-ton pickup truck. She commented that it was a nice truck, and the guy said "Yep. Takes a real man to drive one of these things." The blonde just smiled...

And climbed into her 18-wheeler (Tractor-trailer rig aka semi).

[smercer]

Originally posted by Ultimater
I heard his joke before and I didn't find it funny the second time
because I noticed the flawed math work.
Smercer seems to be tapping into the "internet-jokes".
Whenever I hear a bad joke I call it an interent-joke because
the internet contains loads and loads of seemingly computer-generated-humor. :p
speak for your self. Your jokes aren't any funnyer than a fart in a bathtub.


McDONALD'S



We finally got a McDonald's in Bangladesh. They serve McNothings.

GERRY BEDNOB


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember going into McDonald's when they had some promotional giveaway, and their sign read: "Offer available to McDonald's customers only." Now there's an exclusive group!

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" They're highly intelligent.

JAY LENO


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The French fries are great. You can eat those or use them as dental floss. And the triple thick milk shakes. Which you can drink or take home -- pave the new driveway in front of your house . . . They have home delivery now. They'll bring those big juicy delicious hamburgers right to your house. And if you're not home, don't worry about it. 'Cause they'll slip 'em right under the door.

MIKE PREMINGER


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you seen the fast-food version of a liquid? A triple thick shake? You need an industrial suction pump to get it up the straw. There's people wandering around with bleeding ear holes because they've been sucking too hard. Everybody sucks together -- the windows of the shop cave in!

BEN ELTON


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Moscow McDonald's has Iines two and a half hours long. That's fast food in Russia. But everyone loves McDonald's there. A man came out of Mc Donald's, he took the wrapper off his hamburger and he said, "They not only give you food -- but free toilet paper with it!"

YAKOV SMIRNOFF


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a grease fire at McDonald's -- threw a match in the cook's hair.

STEVE MARTIN

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by smercer
speak for your self. Your jokes aren't any funnyer than a fart in a bathtub.
I don't wanna start any thing, your jokes aren't that much better than mine.

A guy goes over to a bank and asks for a 100,000 dollar loan for two weeks.
The person behind the desk tells him that that is an offal
sum of money and she will need a collateral from him.
The guy hands over the keys to his ferrari and he gets his cash.
A week later the guys returns to the bank and repays them and the
totally interest amounts to 13 bucks.
The person behind the desk tells him that it worked out
nicely but has one question for him,
"I looked today on the computer and it said that you were a multi-millionaire and I couldn't understand why you needed a loan."
The guy replies,
"Where else in New York can I park my ferrari for two weeks at the price of only 13 bucks?"

[Ultimater]

Bob asks his best friend George for a 200 dollar loan and
George replies ,"Only if you repay it before next week".
So Bob gets his 200 dollar loan and is off.
A week later Bob knocks on Georges door but he's not home yet.
George's wife comes to the door and invites him in.
George tells her that he'll pay her 100 bucks for her to
show him her breasts for only a second.
She replies, "Oh no, I can't do that! I really shouldn't."
Bob trys persuading her by telling her that no-one is around to
see or know and she'll be 100 dollars richer in a second.
She decides to accept his offer and flashes him.
Bob pays up on the spot and ask her if she'll also show him
her butt for another 100 bucks.
She accepts on the spot after having already started with him
and flashes him again for another 100 bucks.
Bob pays up and leaves.
About a minute later George comes home and says to his wife,
"Oh I see that my friend Bob stopped by and paid me the 200 bucks he
owed me."

[wamboid]

Both of you keep them coming, but really Ultimater, get over yourself. Unless you are writing your own stuff, quit complaining about where others are getting their material. Actually, I'd heard those last 2 years ago, and if I use your definition I'd call them "internet-jokes".

Normally I wouldn't pick something apart like this, but after all the complaining about the bad math a few days ago, I just want to know what bank it is that will loan $100,000 for only $13 for 2 weeks.

Keem them coming Smercer. I may not like most of your politics, but you rule this thread.

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by wamboid
Both of you keep them coming,
You betcha!
Originally posted by wamboid
but really Ultimater, get over yourself. Unless you are writing your own stuff, quit complaining about where others are getting their material. Actually, I'd heard those last 2 years ago, and if I use your definition I'd call them "internet-jokes".

Well I only write about 10% of my jokes and hear the rest.
I guess you could then call some of "my" jokes "internet-jokes"
because they're surely somewhere on the internet.

Originally posted by wamboid
Normally I wouldn't pick something apart like this, but after all the complaining about the bad math a few days ago, I just want to know what bank it is that will loan $100,000 for only $13 for 2 weeks.
Hmm, maybe the original joke stated $10,000 instead.

Originally posted by wamboid
Keem them coming Smercer. I may not like most of your politics, but you rule this thread.
Can I also get some support, pleaseeeee?
We can have a runner up, can we?

[Ultimater]

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
When they're on their back, their both screwed

What is red, green and goes 60 miles per hour?
A turtle in a blender

How do you get a one-armed man outta a tree?
Wave


Here's another one
A woman was filling-up her car with gasoline
and split a bit on her arm.
She got in her car and headed for home.
Later that day, she went over to her window to smoke
a cigarette, and she accidentally lit her arm on fire.
She tried to put out the fire by waving her arm out
the window but the cops saw this and shot her dead.
The cops said that she bared a firearm.

[Ultimater]

A little guy heads over to a bar and notices that there is
only one empty seat then occupies it.
The guy next to him taps him on the back and says,
"I wouldn't sit there if I were you."
"This was the only open seat", the little guy responds.
About a minute later, the bouncer come back from the restroom
and notices that there is a little midget in his seat!
The bouncer warns him to get outta his seat, but to his
shock the midget replies, "No, this is the only open seat."
The bouncer gets angry, and says "karate-chop, China!" and
knocks the little guy out cold.
Once the midget recovered from the blow, he returned to home.
About a weeek later, the midget tried his luck at the bar again,
and he chose the same seat as last time.
The bouncer was playing pool but decides to stop inorder to
teach the midget a lesson.
The bouncer yells, "Get outta my seat!"
The midget yells back, "No! I got here first!"
The bouncer gets even angrier than last time, and
says "karate-chop, Japan!" and knocks the little midget out cold again.
After the midget woke-up from the knock-out, he returned home,
like last time.
This time the midget doesn't return to the bar until two weeks later.
After he walks into the bar, he takes the bouncers seat, like usual, and the bouncer ran over to him without warning.
This time the midget yells "crow-bar, Sears!" and knocks the bouncer
out cold first.

[Ultimater]

riddle

Ok, there are 3 light switches in the hall-way of a mansion.
Two of the light switches control the lights for bedrooms
unwanted with locked doors and one of them controls the light-bulb of the
master-bedroom in the mansion, about 1,000 feet away, with it's door also locked.
The problem is that you don't wanna walk any extra then you have to.

Assuming that all the doors are locked,
Your job is to figure out which one of the three light switches controls
the light in the master-bedroom by flipping them.
There is a catch, you're only allowed to check if the light went one once,
without being able to return to the light-switches again.
In order to see if the light went on or not, you need to actually unlock the room and go in
and you cannot cheat by looking under the door.
You can also flip the light-switches all at once if you want to.
All the light switches start in the "off" position.

You have the key to the master-bedroom only,
how can you figure-out which of the three light switches in the hallway controls the light
in the master-bedroom, without cheating?
(answer scroll down)



















The answer is to flip light-switch "A" and let the bulb burn (if it's the correct switch)
for about half an hour in order to heat-up the bulb, then you un-flip the light-switch.
Next you flip light-switch "B" and enter the room immediately.
If light-switch "B" was the correct light-switch then the light would simply be on.
If light-switch "A" was the correct light-switch then the light would be off but warm.
If light-switch "C" was the correct light-switch then the light would be off but not warm.

[wamboid]

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

[Daniel T]

Originally posted by wamboid
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother ... She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. *gufaws*

Yo momma's so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.

^ that one was lame, and it's probably been used on here before, but it's the only one I can think of at the moment :p

[Ultimater]

Originally posted by Daniel T
Yo momma's so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits

Hey Daniel T, I totally forgot about those type of jokes.
*smirks*
I got one for you, no offense, ["your mama" is only passive].

Yo' mama's so fat that Jenny Craig said no refunds.

[smercer]

The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

[smercer]

Monkey stuff
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid **** do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the ****er because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

[smercer]

ambition
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[smercer]

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[smercer]

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

[hooloovoo24]

Originally posted by smercer
PEST CONTROL

That's so great! I love it!

[theuedimaster]

Just beautiful man. Beautiful.

[wamboid]

These are from today's batch of SPAM:

New product cuts stress. From "Machine Design" Magazine.
Byte Bat
All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.
It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.
Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

A letter to the editors
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.

Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

[wamboid]

Smercer should like these, hope he didn't already post them

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is amazing." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

Due to a minor glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. Saint Peter said, "You look like three famous people, but you have no idea the length people will go to sneak into Heaven. You must prove who you are." Einstein requests a blackboard and chalk, then covers it many times over with arcane mathematics describing his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" Then Saint Peter turns to Picasso. "Give me that chalk," says Picasso. With a few deft strokes he creates a stunning array of bulls, satyrs and nude women. Saint Peter applauds. "You really are Picasso! Welcome to heaven!" Saint Peter then turns to George W. Bush. "Einstein and Picasso have proved their identity. How can you prove yours?" Dubya looks bewildered. "Who's Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs. "Come on in, George."

[wamboid]

One more from today's Spam

Japan's quality standard
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

[Ultimater]

A woman goes to the market and tries to buy a can of cat food.
The employee protests and tells her, "You need to show us proof
that you have a cat because some people eat cat food."
So the woman goes home and brings her cat with her then buys
the food.
The next day the woman tried to buy some dog food but the employee
protested, "You need to show us proof that you have a dog becuase
some people eat dog food."
So the woman goes home and brings her dog with her then buys
the food.
The next day the woman brought a smelly brown bag with her and told
the employee to smell it.
"What's this?"
"It's a bag of poop, now can I buy some toilet paper?"

[theuedimaster]

Originally posted by wamboid
One more from today's Spam

Japan's quality standard
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

LOL! Thats great! Also, Ultimater, great last joke there!

[wamboid]

Good one Ultimater!

[wamboid]

Today's SPAM was full of questions:

IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?

[theuedimaster]

You actually get e-mail with this stuff in it?

[Ultimater]

Yeah, you should tell them, the spammers, to add me to their spam list so I can get some of these :D

My favorite in there is the Pringles.
Did they change their slogan from "Once you pop, you can't stop"
to "Once you pop, the fun don't stop"?
Or vise-versa, I'm quite sure I recall both being used.
Was it because of your joke? :p

[wamboid]

Actually, the jokes aren't always the best part of this particular SPAM, if you know what I mean. We have as decent filter, but this one company and another with a bunch of bad stock tips seem to always get through.

[Ultimater]

"This is the cheese that the rat that the cat that the dog chased bit ate."

[wamboid]

From my usual source:

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone. I'm married!"

A 60 year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

[Ultimater]

How to out-smart the parking-lot:
After taking a parking ticket in your car from the machine,
take a second parking ticket by foot before you leave and use it for a discount ;)

(I came up with this one.)

[rhsunderground]

that's bloody genius!!!!

[wamboid]

I haven't done that since college, nobody saw me, and you can't prove it!

[davidbrent]

It doesn't work on places that use scales to judge whether a car is coming through. Unless you weigh a lot of course!

Mr. Bean tried that in the famous Bean series.

[MstrBob]

It doesn't work on places that use scales to judge whether a car is coming through. Unless you weigh a lot of course!

Mr. Bean tried that in the famous Bean series.

A fast food restaurant nearby used to use a laser to detect for cars. It was quite fun walking through there for some food. But now they use a scale. :mad:

[wamboid]

Facts of Life

An old dog was taking his young pup out to learn the facts of life. The old dog went to a trash can and sniffed. He pulled out a bone and ate on it. Next he went up to a cute little French poodle and sniffed the proceeded to f*** it. Then, he went to a fire hydrant and sniffed, lifted his leg and urinated. Then, he turned to his son and said, "If you can't eat it and can't screw it, piss on it!"

[Ultimater]

A drunk bumps into a priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
"No, I'm Jesus Christ!"
The drunk insists, "I'll prove I'm him", follow me.
So the priest follows him into a bar.
The bartender shouts, "Jesus Christ, you're back again!"

[Ultimater]

A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender a 100-bucks that he could pour him any glass of beer and he would be able to name the brand.
So the brandtender agrees and pours him a bud-light.
"This is bud-light outta the can."
The bartender then pours him a different brand.
"This is heineken that spent a little over half-an-hour in the fridge"
The bartender panics and dashes off to the bathroom where he pisses in a cup.
"This is a hard one...Hmm...it tastes like heineken but someone drank from it"

[theuedimaster]

Good job guys! The jokes are getting better and better!

[Ultimater]

A elderly man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the man complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the geezer said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
(I pulled this one off the Internet)

[Ultimater]

This young boy asks his grandmother how old she is.

She answers, "You aren't supposed to ask a lady that."

"Well then, how much do you weigh?"

The grandmother explains, "You aren't supposed to ask a lady that either. Now, go get some candy out of my purse and then go outside to play."

A little while later, the boy comes back and says, "Grandma, I know how old you are and how much you weigh, because I found your driver's license... and I also found out that you got an F in sex!"
(Another one off the Internet)

[Ultimater]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
(Internet Joke)

[Ultimater]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
(Internet Joke)

[Ultimater]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fu_ck herself."
(off the Internet)

[jeff_archer7]

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Lada over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Ford Fiesta, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years
of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

[jeff_archer7]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[jeff_archer7]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europein their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the F_UCK off our car!"

[theuedimaster]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"


That made me laugh my ass off... lol.....

[Ultimater]

Yeah, jeff_archer7, good one that last one.

[theuedimaster]

Here is a joke my friends told me:

Three men had just died and went to heaven. They stood in front of St.Peter and his gates. St.Peter said: "I will let the person who had the most painful death into heaven." He turns to the first man and asks him how he died.

He responds - "You see, I came home early from work and went upstairs. I saw my wife upstairs naked on the bed, and I knew something was wrong. I searched around for the man that was obviously having an affair with my wife, and luckily I looked out the window. I found the man clinging on the edge of the roof with his hands. I was so angry that I took a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. He let go, but instead of falling to his death, he landed in a pile of bushes. I was so mad that I picked up a refrigerator and threw it out of the window on top of him. I was so guilty that I killed myself a few hours later."

St.Peter said "Yes, that is a cruel death." He turns to the second man and asks him how he died.

He responds: "well, I was contracted to work on the top floor of an apartment building to work on the roof. By mistake I fell down. Luckily, I was able to grip the edge of the roof on the second floor. Before I could get up, some psycho started hammering on my knuckles. The pain shattered through my body and I fell to the ground. Some bushes saved me from a deathly impact. However, before I could get up, a refrigerator fell from the sky on top of me. I was crushed to death."

St.Peter said, "That was a very cruel death." He turned to the third man and asked him how he died.

The third man responded: "Picture it: trapped, naked, in a refrigerator".

[theuedimaster]

Here is another joke:

Three men were hiking in the jungles of Africa. Before they sensed any danger, a tribe of cannibals captured them. The cannibals said they were going to kill them, eat their flesh, and use their skin to make canoes. However, the cannibals said they had a little mercy, and offered them the chance to choose any weapon of choice and kill themselves.

The first man asked for a gun. The cannibals gave it to him and he shot himself in the head.

The second man asked for a knife. The cannibals gave it to him and he stabbed himself in the heart.

The third man asked for a fork. The cannibals were confused, and asked him why. He responded by telling them that they promised to give him any weapon. The cannibals then gave him the weapon. Afterwards, the third man started poking the fork into his skin and making holes all over his body. He shouted in cynical humor:

"Damn your canoes!"