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Thread: Proof that Santa's a Fake

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2005

    Exclamation Proof that Santa's a Fake

    There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18)
    in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of
    Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan)
    religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15%
    of the total, or 378 million (according to the population
    reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children
    per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there
    is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of
    Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and
    the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems
    logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to
    say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa
    has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump
    down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining
    presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for
    him to get back up the chimney into the sleigh and get onto the
    next house.

    Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
    distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be
    false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we
    are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of
    75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This
    means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000
    times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
    man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
    miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best)
    15 miles per hour.

    The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
    Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized
    LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand
    tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional
    reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the
    "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job
    can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need
    360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the
    weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times
    the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

    A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
    creates enormous air resistance this would heat up the reindeer
    in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
    atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3
    quintillion joules of energy per second each.

    In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 426 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached
    the fifth house on his trip.

    Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
    accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m..p.s. in .001 seconds,
    would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250
    pound Santa (which seems ludicrous considering all the high
    calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be
    pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
    instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a
    quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's
    dead now.

    Merry Christmas

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Poor kids. Santa could be immortal.

    *I intended to be sarcastic*

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    easyweb, that's hilarious!! lol but you didn't calculate the weight Santa gains while eating the milk and cookies at every stop.
    my computer suffers from short-term memory loss.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    on earth
    or the countless times santa gets stuck in the chimney, or the houses that dont have chimneys
    my neck is red and my grass is blue.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2005

    Amazingly, I understood those calculations, too!
    beware the place where the Labyrinth, the Snitch & the Cat roam...

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Honestly, you people know nothing. Santa travels way faster than that, in fact he travels at 99.9% of C, thus moving through time slow enough to do all of this in the night and still having enough time to watch the Queens speech.

    As for the matter of accelleration, he is moving at speed within the range of only about 200mph all year round in order to assess who's been naughty or nice, so G-force is not an issue.

    Before you say anything, Santa does not have a terminal velocity because all air resitance has been eliminated by magic.
    Disclaimer. (1) Whilst I will help you sometimes, if I feel like it, and my advice in relation to your actual question will be of good quality: my posts are to be taken with a pinch of salt. I will be sarcastic, deploy irony and include obscure cultural references for my own amusement without warning.
    (2) You will gain nothing from complaining, and if you try to argue with me then you will not win. No matter how noble your battle seems, I am still better than you, don't be an hero.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    The reason Rudolph's nose glows is that it is actually a magnetic bottle containing a miniature black hole which has a sufficient rotational speed such that it sheds its event horizon and becomes a naked singularity. Therefore, by rotating his sleigh in the proper direction around Rudolph's nose, Santa is able to move backward in time. He makes as many deliveries as he can before dawn, then does the rotation thing until he moves back in time to early evening, picks up more gifts, and sets off to deliver them. He simply repeats this process until all the gifts are delivered.

    (Yes, I actually have this book on my Christmas list. )
    "Well done....Consciousness to sarcasm in five seconds!" ~ Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

    How to Ask Questions the Smart Way (not affiliated with this site, but well worth reading)

    My Blog
    cwrBlog: simple, no-database PHP blogging framework

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Sydney, Australia
    Santa did exist. The 6th December is St Nicholas Day which celebrates the anniversary of his death back in the 4th Century. Since he died he must therefore have existed prior to that time.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2005

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2005
    But Santa, his sleigh, and his reindeer are magic!
    *I also intended to be sarcastic*

    I believe in the idea of santa and all the joy it brings.
    ___|| * * *
    *||__ , * * * * * * * * (o)>
    \___/ * * * *\___/ * * * * * * *___//
    iiiiLLiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_/_|iiiiiiiiiii~~~~~~ \___/~~~~~~~~~

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    San Diego, CA

  12. #12
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Did that Santa just blink? Scary...
    ___|| * * *
    *||__ , * * * * * * * * (o)>
    \___/ * * * *\___/ * * * * * * *___//
    iiiiLLiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_/_|iiiiiiiiiii~~~~~~ \___/~~~~~~~~~

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    San Diego, CA
    To sum up the whole article:

    "Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am G-d. . ."


  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    4846′36″ N 910′48″ E

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    In chair looking at monitor
    Fuzzy math or not -- Santa exists.

    If it wasn't for Santa the only other time people would be caring and giving would be after thousands of people were sucked out to sea by a Tsunami, hit by an Earthquake, Tornado or Hurricane. Only when two 110 story buildings come crumbling down or a terrorist blows up subways or trains.

    I'd hate to think of what this world would be like without a Santa figure in it. At least people can be loving and giving once in a year WITHOUT a tragedy happening.
    10 REM Life was easier
    20 CLS
    30 PRINT "Life was Easier"
    40 GOTO 30

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