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Thread: What's your best joke?

  1. #16
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    Originally posted by NogDog
    Oh, and this web-developer-related cartoon cracks me up, but you won't get it if you haven't studied a little Quantum Physics:

    http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons...7&mode=classic
    the cat is dead and the cat is not dead at the same time, hence the blink!

  2. #17
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    Condom Complaint
    A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
    The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know". The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?" The man looking angrier and replied, "I don't know!" The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
    The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

  3. #18
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    Since you guys like Windows jokes so much I will post more. Here you go:


    Is Windows a Virus?

    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
    • They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
    • Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
    • Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
    • Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
    • Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
    So Windows is not a virus.
    It's a bug.
    Last edited by smercer; 12-26-2004 at 06:24 PM.

  4. #19
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    A Robber Meets A Theif
    Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
    "Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
    "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

  5. #20
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    Microsoft VS. GM
    At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

    2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

    4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

    6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

    8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

    9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

    10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

    11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

    12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

    13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

    14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

  6. #21
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    Originally posted by smercer
    Microsoft VS. GM
    At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

    2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

    4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

    6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

    8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

    9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

    10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

    11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

    12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

    13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

    14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
    Brilliant! That makes me realise how grateful I am Microsoft stuck to computers rather than cars!

  7. #22
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    Haha, that made me chuckle. I am a Microsoft man and a GM man. But if you get me in the same room with an old mopar (preferably a 60s dodge challeneger) I will forget them both!

  8. #23
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    Q: How can you see the last person using a computer was a blonde female?
    A: Screen is full of correction fluid, food was left for the mouse and the game joystick has lipstick all over.

    Q: How come blonde females ask for curtains for their PC?
    A: They have Windows!

  9. #24
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    IN PRISON. . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON . . you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON . . you get time off for good behaviour.
    AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behaviour.

    IN PRISON . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
    AT WORK . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

    IN PRISON. . you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK. . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON. . you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK. . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

    IN PRISON. . they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK. . . you can't even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON. . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
    AT WORK. . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON. . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK. . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

    So ....... why is it again that we work?

  10. #25
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    WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

    The mystery man is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,Inc.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt?Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

    The wedding announcement in the newspaper announed the Schitt?Happens wedding. The Schitt?Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

    So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!

  11. #26
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    Hot E-mail
    An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
    his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
    unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
    he did his best to type it from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
    elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

    When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
    let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
    her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....


    DEAREST WIFE...
    JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
    EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...

    P.S.
    SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

  12. #27
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    Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

    10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.

    9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."

    8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.

    7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.

    6. They are never too tired.

    5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.

    4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.

    3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).

    2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget everything you want them to forget.

    1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

    Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

    10. You don't need a password to get in.

    9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.

    8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.

    7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's lovelife.

    6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

    5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)

    4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl-friends if one happens to be an English major, but not generally).

    3. Computers don't give back-rubs.

    2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.[Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].

    1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it might be dangerous...]

  13. #28
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    Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
    • Oops!
    • Has anyone seen my watch?
    • That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
    • Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
    • Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
    • OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
    • Come back with that! Bad Dog!
    • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    • Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
    • If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
    • Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
    • Damn, there go the lights again...
    • Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
    • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    • Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
    • I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
    • Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    • Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
    • What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
    • What do you mean, he's not insured?
    • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
    • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
    • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    • What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
    • I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
    • Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
    • That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
    • Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
    • Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
    • Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
    • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

  14. #29
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    Hey Jick and RHS, political jokes like this okay?

    Bush and Clinton on a Train
    Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.
    The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
    The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."
    Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
    George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

  15. #30
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    Microsoft CRAP

    REDMOND, Wa -- November 8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announced today a new software package called currently Computer Response Automation Program, or C.R.A.P. This is a system for Win95 in which is automatically chooses what you do and do not want to do. After watching you use your computer for one day it automatically "learns" how to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons in dialog boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data.
    Currently in its beta version, the users it is targeting for (Computer Idiots (All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America On-Line!". Currently the only bug found in the system is that it will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by saying "We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will be by 1996." Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB and all users of Win95 will be eligible for this program, which will be supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version of Quicken, the popular money management software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P. The Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controlling their finances. Is that a crime?"
    Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer, but having one. Truly amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced that C.R.A.P. will not be available for the Macintosh system or WinNT because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a contact inside Microsoft for the AP.

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