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Thread: What's your best joke?

  1. #31
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    Dec 2004
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    For those in the holiday spirit.

    Happily Addicted to the Web (Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

    Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.

    All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

    Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

    I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web!

  2. #32
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    Dec 2003
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    Originally posted by baseiber
    For those in the holiday spirit.

    Happily Addicted to the Web (Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

    Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.

    All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

    Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

    I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web!
    oh, how true that is. screw the northern lights - i was glued to my box.
    "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it is too dark to read." - Mark Twain

  3. #33
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    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
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    Do you think this (See attachment) would be a good deterrent for burglars?

    Ha ha ha
    Attached Images Attached Images
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  4. #34
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    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
    271
    Microsoft Tech Support Saves the Day

    There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
    The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  5. #35
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    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
    271
    The Hypnotist
    It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
    As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
    I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".
    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
    "S h i t" said the hypnotist.
    It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
    Last edited by smercer; 12-28-2004 at 07:21 PM.
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  6. #36
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
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    An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

    One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

    Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

    Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

    Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

    The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  7. #37
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    Feb 2003
    Posts
    2,745
    you're getting better smercer. the dingo and the leopard is my favorite one so far!

  8. #38
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    At the corner of WALK and DONT WALK
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    An old farmer was fishing out of a creek, when a guy in a brand-new corvette convertable came driving up, and stopped at where a bridge HAD been, but had washed out.

    "Hey, there hayseed," said the city slicker, "You think you can show me where to get across?"

    The farmer looked him over, and finally nodded. "Yeah... looks pretty shallow over there by the ducks," he said.

    The guy grinned, and drove towards the ducks, and attempted to cross the stream there. The corvette promplty sank out of sight, and the city slicker had to move fast to keep from drowning. He came back to the farmer, absolutely furious.

    "You said it was shallow there! That must be the deepest part of the stream!"

    The farmer scratched his beard, and said "Well, that's strange... it only comes up half-way on the ducks."

  9. #39
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    Location
    United Kingdom
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    Originally posted by smercer
    An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company...
    You are definatley getting better!
    More of a journal than a blog.

    Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
    GMail | Mezzoblue | 1976 Design | Zeldman | Justwatchthesky | Jon Hicks | Airbag | All In The Head

  10. #40
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    339
    Q: How do you dissolve a demonstration in Scotland?
    A: Begin a collection of funds.


    Scotsman enters the pharmacy with a condom:
    - Patch it, please!
    - Why not buy a new one?
    - Haven't got a mandate.
    - How come?
    - It belongs to the club.


    - Anyone here who runs fast?
    - I do!
    - How long and how fast, little Kevin?
    - 100 meters in seven seconds.
    - But the World record is 9.78 seconds.
    - Yeah, but I know a shortcut.

  11. #41
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    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
    271
    Windows 95 Source Code

    Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results
    Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
    Project: Version - Windows 95

    Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

    #include
    #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */

    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

    void main()
    {
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
    {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
    }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
    " the 32 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
    "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
    everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
    {
    arrest(journalist);
    brainwash(journalist);
    when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
    {
    order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
    release (journalist);
    }
    }
    break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
    bastard");
    }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
    divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
    wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
    marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    if (boobies_start_to_hang)

    dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
    wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);
    }
    }
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
    }


    void bugfix(void)
    {
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
    }
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  12. #42
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
    271
    How Much Is That Barbie In The Window
    Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
    He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
    In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
    She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
    Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
    "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  13. #43
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
    271
    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up and over the curb, stopping just inches from a large plate glass window.
    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
    Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
    The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...
    For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse.
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  14. #44
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    North Coast, Australia
    Posts
    271
    Originally posted by davidbrent
    My, my, aren't we the comedian!
    well to tell you the truth, I have been cheating. I just visit joke web sites and copy and paste them (my favourite ones) in to word and save them on my hard drive.
    From: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/relea...040713-12.html
    George W Bush said on 13 July 2004:
    although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq.
    George Bush is officially a professional liar, and even professional liars make mistakes in telling lies.

  15. #45
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    610
    Originally posted by smercer
    well to tell you the truth, I have been cheating. I just visit joke web sites and copy and paste them (my favourite ones) in to word and save them on my hard drive.
    Doesn't matter, they're always a good read! Here's my contribution:

    I won a lifetime supply of marmite. One can!
    More of a journal than a blog.

    Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
    GMail | Mezzoblue | 1976 Design | Zeldman | Justwatchthesky | Jon Hicks | Airbag | All In The Head

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