This one was written from memory, so I think it is right.
A old man and a punk with a with rainbow coloured mow hawk, were in a mall. The old man was staring at the punk, the punk noticed the old man staring at him and said "what's the matter old timer, haven't you done anything wild in your life?"
To this the old man says "well one day I got drunk, rooted a parrot and now I am wondering if you are my son"
Welcome To Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."
The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in s h i t.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.
Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
Telemarketer Torture 2004
What to do when your dinner is interrupted:
- Ask them if they've got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you're not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
- Speak in ragga chant
- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says
- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.
- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.
- Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.
I think I'll add one of my own...
one day I was having dinner and the telemarketer rang, Asked for me and started to rave on about buying some such thing, so I just quietly put the phone down so she did not know I was gone, and continued on with my dinner.
I could hear her rattle on as I was having dinner and was at it for about five minutes. It was funny when she realised when I was not there (very bad temper).
The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the ****pit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the ****pit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
Said In Court
These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Meeting Bill Gates
Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."
They are effing hillarious!
I think I am the only one who posts jokes. I think I will let everyone else post theirs too.
What, no one has a good joke? I could post more, but it is no fun doing it all by myself. Here is a good joke for the current situation:
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine , too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I have found the real reason: overworked, here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice,..... real nice..... !!
Last edited by smercer; 01-06-2005 at 04:53 AM.
Here's two I heard today, or I guess yesterday now.
A couple is having a baby, so they go to the hospital. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that he has invented a new machine that transfers any percentage of the labor pains from the mother to the father. Both the mom and the dad consent to giving the doctor's invention a try. So, while the mother is giving birth, the docter puts the machine up to 10% of the pains and the father doesn't feel any different, but the mother is feeling less pain. The doctor cranks the machine up to 50%, but the only difference is that the mother is feeling less pain! Amazed that his invention is working so well, he puts 100% of the pain to the father, but the father still feels nothing. After the delivery is complete, they go home. When they get to their house, the mailman is lying dead on the porch.
There are these 3 explorers that went out into a tropical forest in South America. When exploring, they run into a tribe that captures them. The leader tells them that if they each come back with 3 of the same fruit, they will not be killed. So, the first guy comes back with 3 apples. The leader tells him that if he wants to live and be set free, he has to shove all of the apples up his butt without changing his facial expression. He gets through the first one, but then he makes a scowl from the pain and is killed by the leader. The second guy comes back with 3 blackberries; he easily gets through the first 2, but then he starts to laugh. The leader immediately kills him. In heaven, the first and the second guys meet and the first guy says to the second one, "Why did you laugh? You were almost free and it looked so easy!"
The second one replies, "I couldn't help it! I saw the third guy coming back with 3 pineapples!"
I also have a series of sheep jokes (mmmmmmm), one of which you'll find recorded HERE using Blogger.com's AudioBlogger. Enjoy!
good one gorky.
heres some more
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Here's one about a mailman:
A smalltown postman is retiring after a whopping fifty years of service. On his last run he is greeted at each house by its occupants, who, having known the kind man for as long as they could remember, shower him with handshakes, praise, food, gifts, you name it. Everything from wine to cigars to steak-dinners to engraved letter-openers. The best gift of all comes when he reaches the last house of the day and is greeted by a beautiful naked woman who pulls the old man inside and proceeds to f*** his brains out.
The next morning he awakes to the still naked woman preparing him a grand breakfast of pancakes, eggs, toast, bacon, blintzes, fruit, the works. As he sits down at the table and reaches for his coffee, he notices a one dollar bill under the mug, but does not say anything. After the entire breakfast is over, he asks the woman about the dollar. She immediately replies in a cheerful voice, "It's for you!"
He doesn't understand so she elaborates, "Well, when I asked my husband what I should get you for your retirement, he responded, 'F*** him, give him a dollar.'"
"Breakfast was my idea."
I got this from the same site that rhsunderground got his signature. I was laughing so hard I cried. I don't think I'm violating any rules by puting it up but I will happily delete it if I am.
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
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