What's your best joke?

[smercer]

Hi all

I think I might start some humour going in this forum, so I will start a Jokes thread.

Heres my first joke:

The Magic Elevator
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

[smercer]

here's another good one!!

A Cheap Train Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[davidbrent]

Originally posted by smercer
here's another good one!!

A Cheap Train Ride
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

That's brilliant!

[JPnyc]

Uh......I can't post it here.

[ajkiwi88]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(you're gonna love this)






(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)




(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says............

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

[the tree]

Once upon a time there were two prawns, one called Fredrick the other called Christian.

One day Fredrick said to Christain: "I'm bored, being a prawn seems so pointless, if only I could be a shark or something."

Christain replied: "Well, you ought to see the great wise squid."

So Fredrick went and did just that, he went to the great wise squid and asked to be a shark, the great wise squid said "sure."

Fredrick had a whale of time (no that wasn't the punchline) going around scarying all the fishes, chomping on surf boards, starring in movies and generaly being a shark.

When he'd done all that and was really tired and stuff, he went to his friend Christains house and knocked on the door but Christain said "No way I'm not letting you in!! Your a big scary shark!! I don't like big scary sharks!!"

So Fredrick went to the houses of his other friends but they all said the same thing, so he got really lonley (everyone say awwww).

Eventualy Fredrick decided to back to the great wise squid and ask if he could be turned back into a prawn.

The great wise squid didn't see a problem with this and the next thing Fredrick knew, he was back to being a prawn.

Strait away he went back to Christains house and knocked on the door but Christain said "No way I'm not letting you in!! Your a big scary shark!! I don't like big scary sharks!!"

So Fredrick knocked on the door again but Christain said "No way I'm not letting you in!! Your a big scary shark!! I don't like big scary sharks!!"

So Fredrick decided to call through the window so he yelled....

"Let me in!!!! I'm a prawn again Christain!!!!"

end

[NogDog]

[Warning: censored from how I heard it, but still maybe a PG-13 rating]

A bear was taking a crap in the woods. Near by a rabbit was doing the same. The bear asked the rabbit, "Say, do you have any problem with crap sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "Why no, I don't believe I've ever had a problem with crap sticking to my fur."

So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

[NogDog]

And my other favorite "bathroom" joke:


Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom. When the first finished, he proceeded to the sinks and thoroughly washed his hands with lots of hot water and soap. As he finished up he said out loud to no one in particular, "I'm glad that while getting my medical degree from Harvard I learned the importance of proper sanitation and cleansing," and then he left the restroom with an obvious air of superiority.

The second man then finished and headed to the sinks. He carefully used just barely enough water and soap and a single paper towel to perform his hand cleaning. As he left the restroom he stated in a haughty tone, "I'm glad that while getting my Environmental Law degree from Yale I learned the importance of conserving our valuable resources."

Then the third man finished, zipped up, and headed straight for the door - bypassing the sinks - saying to himself, "I'm glad I got my MS in fluid dynamics from MIT and learned how to avoid getting piss on my hands."

[NogDog]

Oh, and this web-developer-related cartoon cracks me up, but you won't get it if you haven't studied a little Quantum Physics:

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons...7&mode=classic

[smercer]

Y2k My Ass
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[smercer]

Undocumented Error Codes

The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

[smercer]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[davidbrent]

My, my, aren't we the comedian!

[baseiber]

I really like the Undocumented Error Codes. It speaks to the former tech in me.

[PeOfEo]

I cant post my best one here... it is really dirty. It involves roulette... if you want to here it pm me.